October 05, 2010 06:32 PM UTC

Ask a Rich Guy

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• by: caroman

Dear Rich Guy,

I recently attended a Michael Bennet “High Dollar” fundraiser for $1,000.  I asked Senator Bennet why he would raise taxes on the wealthy during these recessionary times.  I had the feeling that Senator Bennet did not appreciate how devastating a 3-4% increase on my marginal tax rate would be.  I mean how can I help our economy by buying the new Bugatti Veyron when I have to pay some more taxes??

Hurting in Greenwood Village

Dear Hurting,

First, I congratulate you on getting in Senator Bennet’s face for only $1,000.  I wouldn’t have been able to hold the crudites down talking to that Socialist.  Even if you are not successful, you have at least made him think about the pain they would be causing us should they raise our taxes.  You sir, are doing the GOP’s, I mean GOD’s work.

Now, what you need to do is donate $100,000 to Karl Rove’s 527 PAC to help defeat that Communist.  Your donation will remain anonymous to the public, but John Boehner and Mitch McConnell will know exactly who you are, trust me.

Rich Guy

Dear Rich Guy,

I love this Recession!  My business hasn’t been hurt; I don’t have to make dinner reservations –I just show up!  My vacation costs have been cut in half with all of the discounts.  Best of all, even the Parisiens were friendly to me because they were so desperate for tourists.  Which party should I vote for to keep the Recession going?

Frugal in Cherry Hills Village

Dear Frugal,

I think I saw you in Paris!!  When was the last time you saw a Paris waiter try to smile when you asked for steak sauce and salt??  I’m going back next month wearing my cowboy hat!  (Ahh, good times.)

As to your question — Duh.  Republican is the party for you.  We’d be in a Depression if they had been in power these last two years and just think how much better that would have been for you and me.  I mean, the Republicans say they would not have bailed out the financial or auto industries.  They also would not have voted for the stimulus package.  We’d be facing 30% unemployment right now.  Imagine how cheap you could have hired a contractor for your pool extension!

Rich Guy

Dear Rich Guy,

I’m not rich like you, but I want to be someday.  I just bought five dollars of lottery tickets.  I don’t want to pay high taxes when I win.  How can I help?

Hopeful in Aurora

Dear Hopeful,

So sweet and innocent — I love you!  My advice to you is pray.  Go to church and tell your congregation to vote GOP.   They will help you if, I mean when, you win the lottery.  While you’re at it, be sure to ask them to pray for the stock market.  This will be especially important when the GOP privatizes Social Security.

Rich Guy

Dear Rich Guy,

I feel conflicted.  Sure, I’m rich like you, but I feel like I’m not helping our country when I complain about taxes or talk about the oppression I get for being rich.  Or, when I send my money overseas in a numbered Swiss account.  Or, when I underpay the help.  Or, when I worry about the deficits we’re leaving future generations.  Or, when I don’t care about those without health care or unemployment benefits, etc.

Guilty in Aspen

Dear Guilty,

WTF is wrong with you!  I suggest you tell it to your priest and leave it in the confessional.

Here is what you missed sophomore year at Kent Denver while you were ogling Becky Hanson’s sweater.

First, whether you have a company or just household help you are creating jobs!  And, by lowering the minimum wage you’ll be able to create even more jobs!  And, by hiring undocumented workers you are helping save Social Security since they pay into the system, but will never get benefits.  Besides, is it really your job to discern a forged Social Security card?  Finally, that money you’re holding in Switzerland is just a prudent hedge against this country going to pot.  I believe it was the philosopher Glenn Beck who said, “Help yourself first and watch the trickle down help others.”

And remember, even though I’m tough, Rich Guy does feel your pain.

Rich Guy