January 30, 2013 08:28 AM UTC

Good gun policy or the GOP's latest idea for a first-person shooter?

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• by: PolitiComm

Senator Kent Lambert must like video games a lot.

Colorado Senate Bill 13-062 reads like a cross between the latest edition to the Tycoon series and an exciting first-person shooter.

In Senator Lambert's video game, you're a lone hero with a gun. In the opening scenario, you're sitting quietly in a dark movie theater when suddenly a young man dressed like The Joker bursts through a door bearing an assault weapon with an endless supply of ammunition.  Did the business post signage prohibiting guns on the premises? Do they have a security guard? Nope and nope! You answer the "call of duty" (is it 5 or 6, now? Who gives a rat's ass?!?!) and jump up to defend the crowd. Oops! You took out an innocent civilian! Negative 3 points. Too bad. "Shoot first, ask questions later," we always say. 

In the second level, you leave your gun at home for a parent-teacher conference at your kindergartner's posh private school. They don't have a security guard with a gun, but they clearly post signage prohibiting guns on campus. Suddenly, the school's counselor, who's tired of selling spoiled rich kids' failing grades to Harvard, loses it and kicks open the door to the classroom you're in. She points a semi-automatic 9mm handgun with a high capacity magazine at the principal. You take immediate action and try to tackle the shooter, but you get clipped in the process. A second later, the unarmed security guard wrestles the gun from the deranged school counselor. Sure you could have ducked and let the unarmed staff do their job, but Rambo took no prisoners, so why should you? 

You sue the school for millions and buy a tank for round three: Fighting the tyranny of the most democratic nation on the planet!

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We have to thank Senator Lambert for such entertaining and creative ideas. After he loses his next election, we see a great future for him in the video game industry.