September 24, 2025 10:24 AM UTC

Gabe Evans Gets "The Onion" Treatment

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• by: Colorado Pols

Back in January 2019, the satirical publication The Onion targeted then-Congressman Scott Tipton (R-Cortez) for a laugh by joking that polling data indicated that Americans blamed Tipton for a government shutdown that lasted more than a month (the true cause was President Trump’s insistence that Congress provide $5.7 billion for a border wall with Mexico — costing the American economy at least $11 billion).

This week, The Onion turned its focus back on Colorado and freshman Congressman Gabe Evans (R-Ft. Lupton). While another government shutdown looms next week, The Onion has a different message for Evans.

It has been said that there is at least a kernel of truth to every good joke, and that certainly holds true in this case:

Marveling at the childlike innocence and naïveté on display from their first-term colleague, members of the U.S. House of Representatives confirmed Wednesday that freshman congressman Gabe Evans of Colorado was being adorably discreet with his corruption. “Aw, look, look! He’s going into the parking garage, trying to look all sneaky—what a sweetie pie,” said Florida Rep. Brian Mast, one of several representatives who cooed as they watched Evans nervously offer to vote for tax breaks in exchange for a campaign donation, his eyes darting around the dimly lit structure and his voice wavering meekly as he made the deal with a lobbyist on a burner cell phone. “Taking contributions under the federal limit just to avoid notice? So adorable. I remember when I was a freshman—so young and naïve. He’ll learn soon enough. Aw, look at him blushing and trying to deflect when the reporter asks him questions about it! It’s so cute that he thinks he has to do that.”

The last line from The Onion justifiably hits close to home:

Evans’ colleagues were later seen stifling giggles after they learned the congressman had just agreed to attend a town hall packed with his concerned constituents.

Evans has yet to hold a town hall meeting since being elected to Congress in 2024 and won’t likely attempt one anytime soon. Evans is so invisible in his district, in fact, that constituents struggle to even find an open office where they can talk to his staff.