January 18, 2019 11:04 AM UTC

Onion Blames Tipton For Shutdown, And Why The Hell Not

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• by: Colorado Pols

America’s leading fake news publication The Onion, which gets a pass on their fake news because they and (hopefully) everyone who reads The Onion knows it’s fake news, has finally uncovered the universal blame receptacle for the ongoing federal government shutdown–and it’s none other than Rep. Scott Tipton, Republican of Cortez, Colorado:

A new Pew Research poll published Thursday revealed that 100 percent of Americans blame the United States federal government shutdown entirely on Scott Tipton (R-CO). “From the Rust Belt to the Sun Belt, across all income brackets and racial demographics, every single respondent surveyed came to the same conclusion that Colorado congressman Scott Tipton was solely at fault for this shutdown,” said lead researcher Michelle Sanger, who explained that the 24-hour news coverage broadcasting Tipton’s failure to negotiate and compromise likely contributed to the U.S. populace’s negative perceptions of the representative from Colorado’s third district.

Makes perfect sense to us, really! As much as any of them, and no doubt that’s what The Onion thought when they picked Tipton presumably at random. As a stand-in for feckless Republicans in the era of Trump, Tipton is both everybody and, well, nobody.

Sometimes fake news still makes you think! We promise to never say that again.