Move Over, “Anus Granny”–Meet “Anus FISTING Granny”


Joan Poston.

The big if not altogether expected show this week in the Colorado legislature was Wednesday’s hearing in the House Health and Insurance Committee for House Bill 19-1032: a sex ed bill that requires schools who provide sex ed do so comprehensively and without discrimination. As we discussed on Thursday the testimony in this hearing went freakishly beyond the scope of the legislation, and descended into a 10-hour ordeal consisting mostly of homophobic churchgoers trying their darndest to gross each other out.

For many years, testimony on bills of this kind was highlighted by Rosina Kovar, who earned the nickname “Anus Granny” for her reliably over-the-top explicit characterizations of gay sex entered into the permanent legislative record. This year, although Kovar reportedly showed up to testify, by the time they called her name she had gone home for the night. But she needn’t have worried–in Kovar’s stead we have the testimony of Joan Poston, a defeated Republican House candidate who ran against Rep. Chris Kennedy in 2018. Poston’s three minutes of fame, moderated by the extremely patient committee chair Rep. Janet Buckner, were sufficiently non compos mentis that they deserve special recognition. Transcript of the above clip:

POSTON: Hello, my name is Joan Poston. I represent myself. I am a, um, scientist and I was a healthcare professional for 20 years with um, the city of Denver. I am, um, now retired. I um, when I saw this bill and I looked to see exactly what they were talking about when they said something was comprehensive and I said, I don’t know like I guess I’m going to have to go check my notes that I had when I went and had, um, training and when I worked at Eastside Health Center about um, sexually transmitted diseases, so I’m about to give you a couple of definitions.

Fisting. Fisting is when you take your fist and you shove it up somebody’s anus up to your wrist. But if you have somebody who is [UNINTELLIGIBLE] you can go up to your elbow. This is not a healthy and and it…

REP. BUCKNER: Um, Ma’am?

POSTON: Yes?

REP. BUCKNER: I can’t quite figure out where this is going…

POSTON: This is not a healthy relationship. This is actually…

REP. BUCKNER: Is this to the bill?

POSTON: Yes, because you are wanting comprehensive fact-based…

REP. BUCKNER: Experiential…

POSTON: Experiential. Yes. Um, I’ve got another one on rimming and I’ve got another one on golden showers, but I can actually move on to another topic if you’d like me to.

REP. BUCKNER: Um, I’ve read the bill and I’m not, I do not think this fits into the bill because we’re talking about comprehensive sex. Um…

POSTON: This is comprehensive sex…

REP. BUCKNER: Experiences.

POSTON: …And experiences with gay people.

[FAINT APPLAUSE, “Amen”]

REP. BUCKNER: Um…

POSTON: You know what, if you give me another minute…

REP. BUCKNER: I think, I think…in all…

POSTON: I will change the subject…

REP. BUCKNER: Well, in all…

POSTON: I will change out the subject and tell you that…

REP. BUCKNER: Um, wait a minute. Ms. Ms., uh…

POSTON: Ms. Poston.

REP. BUCKNER: I’m just trying to keep all the comments to the bill.

POSTON: Okay, so this next comment is to the bill and it is in a different form. So let’s redo this: the population of the gay lesbian and bisexual from the Center of Disease Control in 2014, 26.6% of adults identify as straight. 1.6% and identify as gay or lesbian. 0.7% identify as bisexual and 1.1 or something else. Not sure what but something else. So in Jeffco we have about, um, 64,500 children that are between the ages of, uh fourth grade and 12th. And That means that there are 2,000 students that would be identifying with this kind of sexual education and that is one student per 30.

REP. BUCKNER: Ms., Ms. Poston…

POSTON: Based on how, just one more thing–based on how much money is not in the school’s right now and how we have Denver public school teachers who are going to go out on strike…

REP. BUCKNER: Okay. This is not to the bill. I’m sorry. And your time is up.

POSTON: Thank you.

REP. BUCKNER: Next witness, please.

And with that, dear reader, “Anus Granny” has been dethroned! The transcript spells out Poston’s words, but it’s the glee in Poston’s voice that really tells the story. Suffice to say that proponents of accurate and non-biased sex ed are not the problem here, and there may be…an unmet need in the lives of its imaginative opponents.

That’s as much as we care to speculate, thanks.

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18 Community Comments, Facebook Comments

  1. Diogenesdemar says:

    I can’t believe they cut her off . . .

    . . . how will our legislators ever learn how to  properly regulate Colorado’s rusty trombones or flying camels, not to mention ballcuzzis, if we don’t let our experienced “um, scientists” testify unhindered???!!???

  2. Conserv. Head Banger says:

    I find this very interesting, but not for the reasons one might suspect. I live in House District 23. Even though I try to follow Lakewood politics at least half-heartedly, I didn't know that Chris Kennedy had a Republican opponent back in November.

  3. RepealAndReplace says:

    And speaking of fisting….

    Wasn’t it former state senator Bill Carman (R-Colorado Springs) who once threatened to fist one of his colleagues during a floor debate? I think it was Val Vigil who was the object of Cadman’s attention.

  4. JohnInDenverJohnInDenver says:

    And still, there are people who WANT to be legislators.  My compliments to REP. BUCKNER for being willing to put up with this sort of thing for HOURS at a time.

     

    • Lucy MontroseLucy Montrose says:

      Buckner is my rep. I had to work, otherwise I would've seen her at her town hall yesterday, and personally congratulated her for her supreme ability to avoid, all week long, reacting with extreme cringe and uproarious laughter.

  5. doremi says:

    I don't get her math.   26.6% of adults are straight?  Really?

  6. davebarnesdavebarnes says:

    I presume she will make a video so it can be shown in sex ed classes.

  7. Genghis says:

    Next on Joan Fiston, Healthcare Scientist:

    The Cleveland Steamer … and You!

  8. 2Jung2Die2Jung2Die says:

    Just remember, whenever it seems like public discourse has hit bottom, someone will always take it deeper!

     

  9. mamajama55mamajama55 says:

    Poston is an "um scientist", because she is a medical lab technologist. That is a two year degree beyond a bachelor's degree, and enables one to analyze biological samples in a laboratory.

    Poston's candidate page for HD23 doesn't mention sex ed; her main issues are denying funds for building or providing affordable housing, and reporting to ICE immigrants who are not criminals (no "sanctuary cities").   She also believes in miracles – she wants the roads fixed without raising taxes or tolls.

  10. Lucy MontroseLucy Montrose says:

    I've written slash fiction before, some of it explicit. And I've read many times that amount.

    I'll be generous and assume that Joan Poston wants to post her fic of Draco fisting Harry or Goku fisting Vegeta online, but either her computer has crashed or she doesn't know how to navigate the forms on the slashfic sites. 

    Or she's simply afraid of the criticism and ridicule that would be likely to come her way. Because if her writing skills are as good as her verbal skills, she's unlikely to see a lot of kudos. And those commenters can be brutal.

  11. Tom says:

    I really hope they have her scheduled for an encore at budget time. 

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