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March 21, 2013 09:42 AM UTC

Campaign to Regulate Alcohol Like Marijuana

  • 8 Comments
  • by: Canines

 

Here's a Westword profile on Bill Althouse, the fellow who wrote the letter to our Governor reprinted below. I don't know the man at all, but I'm signing onto Althouse's satirical Campaign to Regulate Alcohol Like Marijuana. Count me in as a card-carrying member. Since Westword had no problems reprinting this entire letter, I don't see why it would be a problem here. Our campaign needs as much publicity, and ability to connect with legislators, as possible. We haven't hired fancy-schmancy, high-priced lobbyists yet. But just you wait.

 

Dear Governor Hickenlooper,

Your Amendment 64 task force has shown great courage in protecting our youth from harmful substances and bad parental role modeling. This willingness to protect citizens from themselves is a great opportunity to add safeguards from the most dangerous drug of all, alcohol. Alcohol is the leading cause of all violent crimes in Colorado. Alcohol is the major factor in 75% of domestic violence, in 50% of all traffic fatalities, 60% of rapes, 57% of murders, and 60% of assaults. 70% of all teens have had alcohol, and alcohol is the major factor in over 50% of all teen fatalities from suicide, murder, traffic and drowning. When public safety is the issue, controlling alcohol is the answer. Constitutionally, marijuana must be regulated in a manner similar to alcohol. Instead of giving marijuana producers and users the equal rights of current alcohol users, we should regulate alcohol like we intend to regulate marijuana and save our children from the most dangerous drug of all, alcohol.

The Campaign to Regulate Alcohol like Marijuana recommends that rules and regulations be implemented into the Colorado liquor laws so that alcohol users and producers are treated the same as marijuana users and producers. These new rules and regulations would create the following conditions.

1. A glass of wine with dinner or a Beer after work on hot day is proof of alcoholism

2. Consuming one drink of alcohol on the weekend is grounds to be fired by any employer

3. If a child sees a parent consume alcohol, Protective Services may remove the child from the home

4. If a parent has one drink, it will cause loss of custody of children in a divorce case

5. No alcohol may be served by the drink anywhere in Colorado

6. All publicly viewable consumption at sporting events, backyards , political rallies, fraternal organizations, breweries, vineyards, farmers markets, and picnics, even if the alcohol is free, is a crime

7. Alcohol consumption outside a private home is a crime

8. No alcohol consumption may be viewed by a child, including private homes if a passing child could see through a window or door

9. No alcohol advertising is allowed except for adult only publications

10. All alcohol production and sales must be a monopoly selected by the State

11. All craft beer is illegal, only large brewers may be licensed as retailers

12. All alcohol sales are package sales only, must be in child proof containers and placed in plain dark paper exit packaging stapled shut before leaving the store

13. Non Colorado citizens will be limited to one bottle of beer per purchase

14. Colorado citizens will be limited to a six pack per purchase

15. Home brewers must grow their hops under artificial lights in a separate locked space and brewing must also occur in that locked space. Using sunshine is a crime

16. All hops for brewers must be grown under artificial lighting on commercially zoned property

17. Crops intended to produce alcohol must not be grown on agriculturally zoned land

18. All brewers must grow all their own hops, and brew all their own beer

19. Each brewer is limited to a single retail package outlet

20. Alcohol retailers must only sell alcohol and nothing else

21. There are strict limits on the number of licenses that can be owned by one individual or group, the size of licensed premises, and the size of the brewery

22. Outside investment in beer production or hops growing is illegal

23. The State must discourage the consumption of Colorado alcohol products

24. Everyone one must work for the alcohol monopoly. Free enterprise is a crime

25. All transactions must be in cash and no retailer can use credit or banking services

26. All brewer waste, grains, spillage must be not be placed in the trash or given to anyone one including animal feeding. All waste must be safely disposed of according to DOR regulations

27. All alcohol is for intoxication only, any other medical or laboratory use by hospital, university, biotechnology, pharmaceutical, biofuel, or industrial entities is a crime

The Campaign to Regulate Alcohol Like Marijuana is dedicated to educating decision makers and parents about the dangers of alcohol. If you need any additional information please contact us.

Thanks again for your concern for the public safety,

Bill Althouse
Executive Director
The Campaign to Regulate Alcohol Like Marijuana

Comments

8 thoughts on “Campaign to Regulate Alcohol Like Marijuana

    1. Happily. at last, Elliot, something upon which you and I agree. I am an immediate fan of Mr. Altman. I would love to hear the governors' take on this.

        1. Fortunately it was the mouse and not the rabbit that died, Duke.

          It might also be appropriate to remind beer purveyors that their key ingredient (hops, or Humulus lupulus) is a member of the botanical family Cannabaceae. a) Coincidence? b) Inconvenient truth? c) Fact? d) All of the above?

          From the USDA Natural Resources Conservation Service PLANTS database:

          Kingdom

          Plantae – Plants

          Division

          Magnoliophyta – Flowering plants

          Class

          Magnoliopsida – Dicotyledons

          Order

          Urticales

            Family

            Cannabaceae – Hemp family

              Genus

              Humulus L. – hop

                Species

                Humulus lupulus L. – common hop

            1. (Chortle.)

              Although I did drive past Stranahan's Colorado Whiskey distillery at 2nd and Kalamath the other day and it smelled rather like a brewery–what with its heavy, overwhelming charred bread odors. And what do breweries smell like? Well, apparently, an awful lot like a distillery.

              And, not being a homebrewer myself, I've had fun at the GABF checking out the different varieties of hops that they've had on special display for hands-on public exposure. Fragrant green buds that you break up in your fingers and odiferous resin gets all over them. Hmmm.

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