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August 14, 2018 06:17 PM UTC

Behold! The Dumbest Thing You Will Read This Year!

  • by: Colorado Pols

UPDATE (6:39 pm): This ridiculous editorial has apparently caught the attention of other journalists around Colorado, which has prompted the Gazette to make a bunch of changes throughout the day (as documented by Westword).

It gets better.

These discussions eventually led to this exchange between Colorado Independent columnist Mike Littwin and Gazette editorial page editor Wayne Laugesen. If you were silently hoping that Laugesen would try to spin this disaster as high-level satire that readers just don’t understand…well, you got your wish:

“Rhetorical reductio ad absurdism,” which translates roughly to, “This is a steaming pile of crap.”


Actual screenshot from the Colorado Springs Gazette (August 14, 2018)

The editorial board of the Colorado Springs Gazette today barfed out 726 of the most impressively stupid words you are likely to ever read in an actual newspaper. If there is Pulitzer Prize for petulance, the members of the Gazette editorial board might as well start writing up their acceptance speech.

The purpose of Tuesday’s long, meandering editorial is to decry stories about Republican gubernatorial candidate Walker Stapleton and his great-grandfather, the Ku Klux Klan-loving former Denver Mayor Benjamin Stapleton. This nonsense was presumably crafted in order to come to Walker Stapleton’s defense – something the Gazette has never been shy about doing in the past – but using an entire editorial page to flog this very issue is hilariously counterproductive. You know what definitely does not help Stapleton’s cause when it comes to stories about his family history with the KKK? Using 726 words to talk about Stapleton’s family ties to the KKK.

At least they’re spelling his name right.

Before we get to the actual “arguments” being attempted by the Gazette, let us again remind you why this issue continues to haunt Stapleton’s campaign: Because Walker Stapleton inexplicably refuses to just say that he condemns his great-grandfather’s coziness with the Klan. That’s it. There are plenty of self-inflicted wounds in politics, but this is more akin to letting a minor cut become a gangrenous infection simply because you refuse to apply a band-aid.

Let’s continue this metaphor as we break down the Gazette’s unintentionally-hilarious decision to pour raw sewage into Stapleton’s wound…

Doctor, why does it burn when I try to think?

The Gazette editorial begins thusly:

State Treasurer Walker Stapleton did not choose a weak, distant and questionable link to the Ku Klux Klan. One cannot say the same of his opponent, U.S. Rep. Jared Polis.

Interesting lede. Tell us more…

Like Stapleton, Polis has a weak, distant and questionable link to the Klan. Unlike Stapleton, he chooses it.

Right. You just said that.

This topic arises because The Denver Post’s news department stretches and exploits Klan legacy in a quest to defeat Stapleton and elect Polis in the November gubernatorial race. Post reporters unwisely followed a feckless report by The New York Times, which underestimates Colorado’s smart electorate.

A Post headline Sunday shouts “Family history in spotlight.” A picture of Stapleton abuts the subhead “Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate Walker Stapleton is the great-grandson of a Denver mayor notorious for his role in the Klan.”


One expects this messaging from a sophomoric political action committee, not The Denver Post’s news department.

One expects that the barbaric Denver Post uses yellow mustard on its sandwiches instead of a more refined condiment.

Benjamin Stapleton was the Democratic mayor of Denver for five terms beginning nearly 100 years ago. His political career began when Democratic President and Klan apologist Woodrow Wilson appointed him Postmaster. For Democrats, election often meant appeasing the Klan.

Take that, gutless defenders of Woodrow Wilson!

As explained by The History Channel, the Klan became a movement of “resistance to the Republican Party’s Reconstruction-era policies aimed at establishing political and economic equality for blacks.”

And this: “Though Congress passed legislation designed to curb Klan terrorism, the organization saw its primary goal — the re-establishment of white supremacy — fulfilled through Democratic victories…”

One expects the editorial board of an actual newspaper to cite a source other than “The History Channel” when attempting to validate one’s argument.

Benjamin Stapleton belonged to the Klan for two years in office. Two years after his inauguration, he turned on the Klan and ordered the Good Friday vice raids on city government. The operations exposed a dozen Klansmen in the Police Department, whom Stapleton fired. The Klan ejected Stapleton.

The Times and the Post ignore Stapleton turning on the Klan, as these details do not help them taint his great-grandson as a monster.

Also, Benjamin Stapleton knew a black guy.

The Republican nominee did not choose his great-grandfather. Walker Stapleton chose this, instead: the pro-minority political party his great-grandfather, and the Klan, tried to destroy.

This is merely the appetizer. Save room for the full stupid:

Walker Stapleton chooses the party that frowns upon Wilson. As president of Princeton, from which Polis graduated, Wilson discouraged blacks from seeking admission. Wilson forgave the Klan’s routine lynching of blacks “as a lawless reaction to a lawless period.” Democrat Wilson opposed voting rights for blacks as a “menace to society.”

Stapleton opposes that history by declining to join his great-grandfather’s party. Meanwhile, Princeton chooses to keep the name Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs. The Media do not ask Polis to explain or renounce the university he chose.

The Times and Post tarnish Stapleton for a genetic link he did not ask for. Given this illogical obsession, they should demand Polis answer to his more willful linkage to the Klan.

Woodrow Wilson didn’t say bad things about the KKK and was the President of Princeton…THE VERY SAME institute of higher learning from which Jared Polis once graduated.

Ergo, Jared Polis is a Klan member.

Stapleton opposes that history by declining to join his great-grandfather’s party. Meanwhile, Princeton chooses to keep the name Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs. The Media do not ask Polis to explain or renounce the university he chose.

Bravely brave Walker Stapleton heroically declined to join the Ku Klux Klan. Was this an offer that was on the table at one point? Please clap for Walker Stapleton.

Jared Polis, meanwhile, chose to attend Princeton because Woodrow Wilson didn’t say mean things about the KKK, which is pretty much the same thing as joining the Klan itself.

The Times and Post tarnish Stapleton for a genetic link he did not ask for. Given this illogical obsession, they should demand Polis answer to his more willful linkage to the Klan.

Sorry, we got off on that last exit. Come again?

The Klan’s well-documented, historical alliance with Polis’ party cannot be denied or marginalized. Polis chooses the party, registers with it, and proudly represents it.

If Stapleton must answer for century-old behavior of a relative he never knew, Polis should answer for the legacy of a party he embraces and promotes.

Oh, gotcha: The entire Democratic Party belongs to the Ku Klux Klan. Now you’re making sense!

Although Stapleton never met his great-grandfather, Polis chose to side with a man who led the Klan and never renounced it. Polis voted with former Senate Democratic Majority leader Robert Byrd on the Affordable Care Act and other legislation.

As a member of the House of Representatives, Jared Polis voted in favor of a bill that was similar to legislation supported by 900-year-old former senator Robert Byrd.

Ergo, Polis is a Klan member.

Byrd founded a large chapter of the Klan. He recruited 150 members who elected him their “Exalted Cyclops.” Unlike Stapleton’s distant dead relative, Byrd never double-crossed or renounced the Klan. The Klan never ejected him. Byrd filibustered the Civil Rights Act. He used the N-word on national TV three times this century.

Yup, we’re still talking about Robert Byrd.

Also, is this a bad time to mention that Walker Stapleton fully embraces the current “N-word” using President of the United States?

It is? Oh, sorry.

The Gazette is not The Denver Post or The New York Times and won’t imply Polis approves of the Klan. In fact, we assert neither candidate remotely supports the Klan’s evil ideology. We assume few modern Democrats approve of the Klan, despite the party’s close and longstanding ties to the hate group.

“The Gazette is not The Denver Post or The New York Times…” On this we agree.

Nonetheless, objectivity in news coverage matters. Journalists who smear Stapleton, using a distant relative he never knew, cannot simultaneously ignore his opponent’s alliance with Byrd and the Klan’s party of choice.

The news media should stop acting like a branch of the Democratic Party and the Polis campaign. End this moronic, embarrassing narrative. Colorado voters are not that stupid. This idiocy stands to backfire on Polis — the candidate our established, left-wing media hope to elect.

Marvel at how the phrase “objectivity in news coverage matters” flows seamlessly into the final words, “the candidate our established, left-wing media hope to elect.”

We’re all done here.


18 thoughts on “Behold! The Dumbest Thing You Will Read This Year!

  1. But Alva, you may have jumped the gun with proclaiming this The Dumbest Thing You Will Read This Year.

    It is only August, we have 84 more days to go, and a lot of "talent" out there competing for publishing the Dumbest Thing We Will See All Year.

    Now granted, the editorial reads like something Moderatus would have written if someone gave him back his crayons. But I don’t think we’ve seen the bottom of the barrel in this election cycle yet.

  2. Wow!  Now that Anschutz's Gazette has blown the lid off KKK University, otherwise called Princeton, we probably can assume Princeton alum Ken Buck is one too.

    And following the Gazette's reasoning, since Phil Anschutz no doubt is a big supporter of Ken Buck, it isn't much of a leap to realize that Phil Anschutz is also a member of the KKK.  Given his wealth and power, I can just see the Gazette's headline now: "Imperial Wizard Phil Anschutz restores Colorado KKK to former glory, Praise the Lord!"

    1. Drawing upon his classical education, WalKKKer will likely issue the request to his friends and associates in his second language: "Ixnay on the Anklay!"

      1. The next article will have a picture of Jon Caldara and Stapler in front of a large wooden cross, Walker with the kerosene and torch Jon has just given him in hand, so that Walker can "prove he has no idea how to burn a cross."

  3. My grandfather was in the Klan. I had a good friend of mine go to Princeton. I was a Democrat for 40 years. I even tore the tag off a new mattress once.

    Now that I know I am so irreparably tainted with sin that cannot be expunged and will spend eternity in the depths of hell,  I might as well KICK OUT THE JAMBS MOTHERFUCKERS !!

  4. As far as Laugesen's "reductio ad absurdum" dodge, I can only offer this observation:

    The Rule of Goats: even if you say you're only fucking goats ironically, you're still a goatfucker

    — Popehat (@Popehat) April 30, 2017

    1. Quoting Dio (or some funny bastard like Dio) from the way-back time machine…

      you can’t spell goatphuck without G O P 

      As for Wayne’s (suspect) reductio ad absurdum defense, for every bright liberal student on the CC campus with critical thinking skills, there are three white fellers at Jack Quinns drinking a pint and shouting Hell Yeah!!

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