April 01, 2016 11:07 AM UTC

BREAKING: Bob Beauprez Enters 2016 U.S. Senate Race

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• by: Colorado Pols

A press release moments ago from two-time GOP gubernatorial candidate and former Congressman Bob Beauprez could dramatically shake up the 2016 U.S. Senate race in Colorado:

Former Congressman Bob Beauprez announced today that he is turning in petition signatures to place his name on the ballot in the 2016 Republican U.S. Senate primary. Beauprez’s surprise entry into the race comes after meeting with each of the 13 Republicans currently running and determining that none of them have a realistic chance of defeating Michael Bennet in November.

“They’re a pack of damn clowns, every last one of them,” said former Congressman Bob Beauprez. “None of the candidates in the GOP Senate race in Colorado today have the experience either winning or losing elections that Bob Beauprez has. It was easy to keep my petition drive under the radar after spiking the 2014 gubernatorial race the same way! This ain’t my first rodeo, y’all.”

“As Colorado’s next U.S. Senator, Bob Beauprez will either prevent or start the next civil war–depending on how I feel,” said Beauprez. “Bob Beauprez will ban ‘abortifacient’ IUDs, reduce the current 70% abortion rate among African Americans, build a wall to keep both Mexico and New Mexico out, and train our state’s elk to avoid oil and gas drilling sites. All while being so tough on crime that no one will ever sit suspiciously outside your house waiting for you to turn the porch light off. Ever.”

“Clearly, it’s time for the other Republicans running for this nomination to exit the race and join the Bob Beauprez campaign,” said Beauprez. “Tim Neville is a lunatic, Jon Keyser is a worthless little pipsqueak, and Ryan Frazier couldn’t even win a damn city council race. In 2016, just like 2006 and 2014, the winning team* is Team Bob Beauprez.”

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* “Winning team” may not refer to actual electoral victory.

More information on this major developing story after the jump.

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APRIL FOOL!