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February 09, 2007 04:18 PM UTC

War on Utah: Ousted Dictator Warren Jeffs Captured

  • 13 Comments
  • by: Colorado Pols

(ACP) – In a surprise development that Colorado officials call “the beginning of the end of the war in Utah,” former dictator Warren Steed Jeffs was found today at a small farm ten miles north of Hurricane. Soldiers of the 5-19 Colorado Special Forces Group discovered the former dictator in a small underground enclosure described as a “spider-hole” hidden under a barn. After being discovered, Jeffs emerged from the hole and was taken into custody without resistance.

“I am the President of Utah,” Jeffs reportedly told Colorado troops in English, “and I want to negotiate.”

Governor Ritter sends his regards,” the commanding officer on the scene replied.

“I’m delighted ex-President Jeffs will be bunking with us,” CPA Prison Commissioner Janet Rowland said from Draper State Prison. “The prisoners have been rehearsing a musical adaptation of the movie Deliverance, and we have the perfect part for him. If that doesn’t work, we’ll try out our new electrode-suppository technique. He’ll squeal like a pig!”

In other news, CPA Finance Director David Balmer was found this morning after a daylong search. Found shivering and with an apparent head injury several miles from his car, Balmer says he remembers nothing from the ordeal.

“A decade ago, during a U.S. congressional primary in North Carolina,” Denver Post columnist Jim Spencer wrote, “the media exposed Balmer for saying he was a clerk for a state Supreme Court justice. He was only a summer intern. Balmer said he was in the top 20 percent of his law school class in his third year. He actually graduated in the bottom half of his class. He said he played college soccer. He didn’t make the team.”

“Those indiscretions cost Balmer a seat in Congress after he had served six years in the North Carolina legislature.”

Balmer maintained the incident had nothing to do with his disappearance yesterday, but offered to “chill out” in another state for a few years before running for office again if that’s what Republican leaders want.

Monday: massive antiwar protests rock Denver, Ritter’s approval ratings plummet, new scandal over demand for “reparations” by a senior Colorado official.

Comments

13 thoughts on “War on Utah: Ousted Dictator Warren Jeffs Captured

  1.   What is the statute of limitations on politicians embellishing on their resumes? 
      In addition, are there any territorial jurisdictional limits for holding a pol accountable for exaggerating his or her past achievements?  In other words, if one waits ten years and move two time zones to the west, is a pol exonerated from any past excessive blowing of his or her own horn?
      And it runs in both political parties:  I presume that Joe Biden will insist that the Neil Kinnock speeches are too far in the past to be of any relevance.

    1. It’s not only his resume that was in shambles but also scandals in his office and campaign. He left NC with his tail between his legs.  Colorado should not be a sanctuary for rejected republicans.

      Come on R’s, you can recruit better than Balmer, Tancredo, Musgrave, Lamborn and Allard.

      1. Maybe I’m giving away a little secret here, but Balmer’s biggest fan is Balmer. His mastery of self promotion should not be confused with widespread Republican adore for the fellow.

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