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December 26, 2010 06:14 PM UTC

Top Ten News Stories of '11

  • 3 Comments
  • by: JO

Background: Relative referred me to Nassim Nicholas Taleb ‘s “Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable” on the importance of rare, random events. Taleb says these events are unpredictable; I disagree-except for the timing. Ergo, while others ponder the top stories of the year about to pass, I offer, in no particular order, the Top Ten stories of the year about the begin, at least one of which seems wholly feasible:

1. Iran’s radical Shiite fundamentalist Revolutionary Guards towed five hijacked vessels and anchored them at strategic points in the Straits of Hormuz, threatening to detonate stolen Russian nuclear warheads stored on each of them if any oil tanker carrying Saudi or Emirates oil tried to pass into the Arabian Sea. Within two hours of the announcement, oil prices went from $85 a barrel to $1,200, when trading was halted. President Obama announced that the United States would draw on its strategic petroleum reserve, but admitted he did not know how long it would take to get supplies into the pipeline-and that in any case, only “critical” uses would be allowed, meaning military. The U.S. Navy sent a task force to the Straits, but backed off when a destroyer was sunk by a mine hidden by the Revolutionary Guards. Commerce in the United States ground to an almost instant halt as gasoline stations were emptied, partly by panicky motorists keeping their tanks full. Major food chains demanded to be provided fuel by the government to restock shelves, quickly depleted by consumers as the implications if the crisis became apparent.

2.Dissident Pakistani junior officers (mostly colonels) arrested and executed senior generals and officials of the civilian government. The leader of the dissidents announced solidarity with the Pakistani Taliban and declared, with immediate effect, sharia throughout Pakistan. He also announced that the new government had distributed three atomic warheads from Pakistan’s inventory: one was given to the Quetta Shura led by Mullah Omar; one was given to Lashkar-e-Toiba; and one was given to Al Qaeda, whose effective leadership was not immediately identified.

3.Pyongyang announced that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il died. The official announcement said that his son, Kim Jong-un, had succeeded his father, but the chief of the North Korean Army said that a new government would be named “soon.” In what appeared to be the result of the power struggle, the North Korean said its outposts had come under fire from “the running-dogs of the South” (Seoul denied it), and said North Korean troops were already moving south to “stop the aggression.” Efforts to stop them would be met by “a big bang,” Pyongyang said. American troops, already on full alert, quickly fell back from the surprising strength and rapidity of the onslaught.

4.China announced that rare earths were a strategic national asset and, reversing an earlier position, immediately halted exports for the second time in less than a year. The Obama administration said that halting commerce in products critical to the production of electronics, among other things, was a “de facto act of war” and demanded that Beijing reverse its policy immediately or “face consequences more drastic than those resulting from the new policy.” The Seventh Fleet was assembled in the Yellow Sea, with elements of the Sixth Fleet steaming full-speed-ahead to join it.

5.The government of Sudan rejected the results of an election that narrowly endorsed Southern Sudan’s independence. While Sudanese military forces moved to arrest leaders of the southern rebellion, troops from Rwanda and Uganda moved into the disputed territory. Full-scale war erupted on the third day after Khartoum’s announcement. China said it would defend its investment in the nascent Sudanese oil industry by sending elements of the People’s Army. The United States, which recognized the independence of South Sudan on the first day after the election, sent Marines and a regiment of the Army to repel the Chinese.

6. The left-wing government of Evo Morales announced that Bolivia had halted export of  lithium, a mineral key to production of relatively light-weight batteries used to power electric cars, pending a “thorough review of our relations with imperialistic capitalist powers,” a statement aimed at the United States just as the American public was beginning to place orders for GM’s Chevrolet Volt. The future of the electric car industry-hinging on batteries-was called into question. The policy had been the centerpiece of President Obama’s long-delayed energy policy. GM’s stock price plummeted to under $1 a share, while the price of oil soared in one day to $175 a barrel, driving the average price of regular gasoline to $6.79 a gallon. Economists said the impact of this “oil shock” could not immediately be calculated.

7.An earthquake registering 8.6 on the Richter scale virtually destroyed Los Angeles and the surrounding areas, causing secondary landslides. With roads and telecommunications brought down, hundreds of thousands of Angelinos set out by foot in search of food and water, often seizing what they needed at the point of a gun as far away as Arizona, where Sheriff Joe Arpaio ordered deputies to “shoot anyone from California on sight, especially Latinos; if in doubt, shoot first, ask later,” a policy dubbed Don’t Ask, Just Shoot.

8.The legislature in Austin voted 98-2 in favor of reversing the decision by Texas to join the Union in 1845. Governor Rick Perry, in an emotional address broadcast over what he called “The Voice of Free Texas,” said the citizens of Texas would not be restrained by a decision taken more than 170 years ago if it meant giving up their freedom to cut taxes, eliminate welfare “fraud,” and choose their own medical care, among other grievances. In an unexpected reaction, President Obama welcomed the declaration and said his government would do nothing to stop it. The legislature of Oklahoma went into emergency session to vote on a proposal to join Texas.

9.Colorado’s new director of tourism announced that his office had succeeded far beyond his wildest dreams, attracting just over 70 million tourists in 2011, of whom ten percent decided to relocate to the state without going home. He admitted that the state was unprepared to deal with the 42-day traffic jam that grew from a minor fender-bender at the intersection of I-70 and I-25, causing total gridlock as far south as Raton Pass, north to Cheyenne, east to the Kansas border, and west to Grand Junction, where the 2011 Western Slope Softball Championships were canceled because teams all left their balls at home. He also expressed thanks to Walmart for diverting its entire stock of tents and sleeping bags, along with battlefield rations, dropped by Army helicopters to desperate motorists, at least 2,145 of whom gave birth in their cars during the jam.

10.[Intentionally left blank, because, well, because we can’t predict the really life-changing and historical events, just like Taleb wrote.]

PS: We reserve the right to cross-post, take down, ignore comments, and to insult any and all who get huffy-puffy. Rational alternative top stories, however, will be considered for a possible revision of this diary later.

Comments

3 thoughts on “Top Ten News Stories of ’11

    1.  

      Classic taffy joint! The only problem is that they’ve been doing the same flavors for years. I need more variety!

      Still just $3.95 a pound, before the winter discount.

      1. Taleb is wrong about unpredictable events and behavior. One only has to look as far as JO to see his theory reduced to ashes.

        And is your obsession with taffy some weird way to hit on me? ‘Cause I have to admit, I don’t do taffy but feel free to post your name and address and I’ll get some right on out to you, old boy.

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