October 16, 2017 11:45 AM UTC

At Least She's Not Your Alien-Abducted House Candidate

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• by: Colorado Pols

McClatchy DC reports on a Republican congressional candidate in Florida who’s been there, done that:

Florida has a U.S. senator who once flew aboard the Space Shuttle.

A congressional candidate from Miami can go one better: Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera says she’s been aboard a spaceship too. But this one was crewed by aliens. As in extraterrestrials.

Three blond, big-bodied beings — two females, one male — visited her when she was 7 years old and have communicated telepathically with her several times in her life, she says…

The Miami Herald asked Rodriguez Aguilera about her experiences Friday. She responded with a statement that waxed astronomical, but sadly failed to mention close encounters of any kind.

“For years people, including Presidents like Ronald Reagan and Jimmy Carter and astronauts have publicly claimed to have seen unidentified flying objects and scientists like Stephen Hawking and institutions like the Vatican have stated that there are billions of galaxies in the universe and we are probably not alone,” she said. “I personally am a Christian and have a strong belief in God, I join the majority of Americans who believe that there must be intelligent life in the billions of planets and galaxies in the universe.”

Yes, there is a large percentage of Americans, even a majority, who believes in the scientific possibility of extraterrestrial life. That includes many of the world’s foremost scientists, and has only increased in recent years with the discovery of thousands of extrasolar planets orbiting distant stars. So there’s that.

But if you have personal experience with traveling to the mother ship, it’s more than “belief” for you! Even if it might complicate your run for Congress, you’re kind of obliged to lead with this in your bio. Because once the press finds out you’ve been to the mother ship, what the hell else would they want to talk to you about? It’s a bit, well, distracting.

Just watch. Now that we’ve made fun of her, the aliens will actually show up.

No really, that would teach us a lesson.