Washington Times’ Fantasy Colorado

Absolutely hilarious, from the Colorado Independent yesterday:

In a bubbly, Panglossian story about the Colorado GOP’s imminent resurgence, the all-but-official organ of the Republican Party airbrushes Allard from the political landscape when it describes how very on-the-ropes state Republicans were last fall…

Given that Colorado didn’t already have “two Democratic senators” before the Obama win and Musgrave ouster, the 2008 election was even more decisive than Washington Times reporter Valerie Richardson lets on.

It’s true Allard checked out prematurely, shutting down e-mail contact with constituents months before his term ended, but even in repose, the two-term senator hadn’t somehow transformed into a Democrat…

And it’s true–as of this morning the story in question still makes uncorrected reference to Colorado’s “two Democratic senators” going into 2008. It’s not like the Washington Times is known for its, well, accuracy or anything but it’s still a widely cited institution of right-leaning media. This fiction is unfortunately bound to wind up in some poor sap’s “Victory 2010” Powerpoint.

Democrats can only hope so, as the fictional portrayal of Colorado gets even more so (from the Times article as quoted by the Independent):

But unlike the national Republican Party, which is fighting among itself as it tries to find a voice to counter a popular president, party leaders in Colorado have jumped into action…

Avoiding contentious primary battles doesn’t seem to be part of the Republican strategy, which is fine with Mr. Wadhams. “I like contested primaries. I think it makes our candidates stronger,” he said.

We suppose if you ignore Wadhams’ ruthless punking of 2008 Senate primary candidates, the nonstop string of leadership faceplants and press debacles during the recent legislative session, and the long knives coming out at this very moment with Scott McInnis’ name on them sowing fresh division, you might be able to buy a small percentage of this.

But since you, dear reader, live or least have actually visited the state at some point in your life, you know all the ways this is about the most laughable depiction of the Colorado GOP possible–a 180-degree inversion of reality.

If anything, there’s a danger that this Pollyanna narrative from a national publication will make some Republicans complacent. If they’re smart they’ll catch the glaring factual error in the first paragraph and be encouraged to double-check the rest. Democrats would prefer they not bother, though: send those checks where they’re needed, right? Everything’s peachy out here in flyover country.

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  1. parsingreality says:

    ….while they paint us lefty commie hippie socialists as the drug users.

    Man, how do they not only make this shit up, but actually believe it?  

  2. Republican 36 says:

    thats because the moderates have been driven out leaving only the far right fanatics to lead and run the Colorado GOP.

  3. ohwilleke says:

    “DR. PANGLOSS

    Let us review

    Lesson eleven!

    STUDENTS:

    Paragraph two

    Axion seven

    PANGLOSS:

    Once one dismisses

    The rest of all possible worlds

    One finds that this is

    The best of all possible worlds!

    STUDENTS:

    Once one dismisses

    The rest of all possible worlds

    One finds that this is

    The best of all possible worlds!

    PANGLOSS:

    Pray classify

    Pigeons and camels

    MAXIMILLIAN:

    Pigeons can fly!

    PAQUETTE:

    Camels are mammals!

    PANGLOSS:

    There is a reason

    For everything under the sun!

    CANDIDE:

    There is a reason

    For everything under the sun!

    MAXIMILLIAN:

    Objection!

    What about snakes?

    PANGLOSS:

    Snakes!

    ‘Twas snake that tempted mother Eve

    Because of snake we now believe

    That though depraved

    We can be saved

    >From hellfire and damnation

    (Because of snake’s temptation!)

    If snake had not seduced our lot

    And primed us for salvation

    Jehova could not pardon all

    The sins that we call cardinal

    Involving bed and bottle!

    ALL

    Now onto Aristotle!

    PANGLOSS

    Mankind is one

    All men are brothers!

    STUDENTS:

    As you’d have done

    Do unto others!

    PANGLOSS

    It’s understood in

    This best of all possible worlds–

    MAXIMILLIAN

    All’s for the good in

    This best of all possible worlds!

    CANDIDE:

    Objection!

    What about war?

    PANGLOSS:

    War!

    Though war may seem a bloody curse

    It is a blessing in reverse

    When canon roar

    Both rich and poor

    By danger are united!

    (Till every wrong is righted!)

    Philosophers make evident

    The point that I have cited

    ‘Tis war makes equal — as it were —

    The noble and the commoner

    Thus war improves relations!

    ALL:

    Now onto conjugations!

    PANGLOSS:

    Amo, amas,

    Amat, amamus!

    STUDENTS:

    Amo, amas,

    Amat, amamus!

    PANGLOSS:

    Proving that this is

    The best of all possible worlds

    With love and kisses [blows a kiss]

    The best of all possible worlds!

    STUDENTS:

    Proving that this is

    The best of all possible worlds

    With love and kisses [blows a kiss]

    The best of all possible worlds!

    PANGLOSS

    Quod erat demunstrandum!

    QED!

    Amo, amas,

    Amat amamus!

    MAXIMILLIAN: (overlapping)

    Quod erat demunstrandum!

    QED!

    Amo, amas!

    Quod erat demunstrandum!

    PAQUETTE: (overlapping)

    Quod erat demunstrandum!

    QED!

    Amo, amas!

    CANDIDE: (overlapping)

    Quod erat demunstrandum!

    QED!

    CUNEGONDE: (overlapping)

    Quod erat demunstrandum!

    ALL:

    Quod erat demunstrandum

    In this best of all

    Possible, possible, possible worlds!

    Quod erat demunstrandum!

    Q!

    E!

    D!!!!!!!!!!!”

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