May 26, 2009 08:46 PM UTC

McInnis Westword's "Schmuck of the Week"

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• by: Colorado Pols

And you say we’re mean? Break out the flame-retardant clothing for Westword’s Joe Tone:

It pains me to bestow such a dishonor on someone with such an honorable mustache, but this week’s Knight of Shmuck must be former Congressman Scott McInnis, who’s taking one of the more bizarre approaches to governorship since Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura.

After months of not-so-subtly announcing his intention to seek the GOP’s gubernatorial nomination, McInnis this week officially announced his bid. But he did it with all the publicity of Leper Tweetup.

Perhaps that’s because McInnis’s constant “unofficial” campaigning has made him Topic No. 1 at all the cool Ethics Police parties, leaving him leery about making too big of a splash. Or perhaps he simply doesn’t get that in order to win votes, people — not just basement-bound political bloggers, but actual, nose-breathing people — have to know that you’re running, and why…

He should have spent all the donations he’s been stealthily soliciting and bought the halftime show at the Nuggets’ next home game. He should have paid Rocky the mascot $1,500 to let him get in the suit. Then he should have ridden in on a motorcycle, jumped that shit through a flaming picture of Ritter’s face, thrown off the Rocky mask, grabbed a mic, yelled “I’m in!,” dropped the mic, punched Sasha Vujacic in the Spaldings, sat in Mike Tirico’s lap, ordered a beer, shotgunned it, and basked in the glow of his impending nomination.