April 09, 2013 01:21 PM UTC

Spelling Bee Gets More Stupider

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• by: Colorado Pols

Like many fellow Polsters, your thoughtful editors may have participated in a Spelling Bee or two in their younger days. But those were simpler times, when you could spell a word that you could virtually guarantee you would never use in a sentence for the rest of your life. The new Spelling Bee is now going to require kids to know the definitions of words they spell, a move apparently being made in an attempt to make the televised National Finals as boring as possible. From the Associated Press:

Organizers of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Tuesday announced a major change to the format, adding multiple-choice vocabulary tests to the annual competition that crowns the English language's spelling champ.

The changes make it easier to nail down the nine to 12 competitors who make it to the final round, which will look the same as it has for years to primetime TV viewers, with spellers taking turns until only the champion has avoided the familiar doomsday bell. The changes do add a wrinkle to the televised semifinals, however, as even the best on-stage spellers could find themselves eliminated from the finals if they perform poorly on the multiple-choice test.

Executive Director Paige Kimble said the changes were driven by the desire to reinforce the competition's purpose — to encourage students to improve their spelling and broaden their knowledge of the language.

"What we know with the championship-level spellers is that they think of their achievement in terms of spelling and vocabulary being two sides of the same coin," Kimble said. "These spellers will be excited at the opportunity to show off their vocabulary knowledge through competition."

Yes, we're sure kids across the country are absolutely thrilled that they now have to memorize the spelling and definitions of words that they will never again see in print. Here's a sample question provided by the Spelling Bee czars:

"Something described as refulgent is: a) tending to move toward one point, b) demanding immediate action, c) rising from an inferior state, d) giving out a bright light."

The answer, of course, is "e) who gives a shit?"