August 12, 2011 09:44 PM UTC

This Guy for President

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• by: Colorado Pols

Gary Hart. Tom Tancredo. Jerry Lanser.

What do these names have in common? They are all Colorado residents who have run for President of the United States. Jerry Lanser is a small business owner from Longmont who is running for President as a Republican and is apparently heading to Iowa this weekend to campaign. He even thinks people are going to be paying attention to him. From his website, www.JLanser.com

I believe the 2012 election is probably the last reasonable chance we have to get our budget under control. I am willing, for the sake of those grandchildren, to run for the job of President of the United States on a platform focused on growing our economy and reestablishing a government that operates on a balanced budget. I am willing to set the baseline for all other candidates by making specific proposals which you can view on the specifics page, with the full realization that this will make me the lightning rod for every special interest group in the country. [Pols emphasis]

“Lightning rod?” Uh, sure. If putting a broomstick on your roof works the same as a lightning rod. But before you get concerned that he might be misleading himself, Lanser wants you to know that he’s only going to continue to run for President if a magical unicorn delivers a giant bag of cash to his campaign:

I will only run if there is enough financial support to run a credible campaign. I will not borrow. I will not mail you a plea for money every month. I expect that most contributions will be small ones from fellow Americans who know the sacrifice and resolve required to solve this problem; the Americans who go to work every day, who support their families, who pay their taxes and who want to pass on to their children and grandchildren the opportunities that they have enjoyed. Americans who are tiring of supporting the “looters”; both rich and poor, who Ayn Rand described as the people who believe that their needs give them a right to other peoples property and money. Even if you don’t agree with my solutions, a pledge will help get a realistic national debate underway.

To reiterate, Lanser won’t ask you for money, and he won’t “borrow” contributions, whatever that means. But he does believe that people will give him money because, well, he’s, uh, Jerry Lester. Lanser. Whatever.

No matter what happens, Lanser should rest easy knowing that he can’t do worse than Tancredo, who registered less than 1% in national polls before he dropped out of the 2008 Presidential race. So there’s that.