BREAKING: World Not Actually Ending

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by: c rork

Sources confirmed late Thursday night that the lives of all residents of Earth would not face the judgment and wrath of a presumably bearded, pissed off God. Subsequently, a mix of relief and quiet disappointment swept over the nation.

The claims of senile televangelist Harold Camping, notably that homosexuality was the sole purpose of the Almighty’s furlough to the land of mortals, received mixed reaction and interpretations from the public. Common reasons suggested for being denied a place in paradise included the religious, such as not being a Christian or believing in the existence of God, to the colloquial, like driving 55 in the left lane of I-25 or “being a dick”. While 89 year-old Camping had said that 5:59 ET was the exact time that the rapture would occur, there was wide speculation on Facebook as to whether it might be Mountain Standard for residents of Colorado, or perhaps West Greenland time to allow for the Oklohoma City-Dallas game to finish.

The nation’s morons, such as Robert Fitzpatrick of New York, took most of their time during the past week spending their entire life savings, getting divorced, yelling things downtown and thoroughly agitating family members and friends with chain e-mails.

A Time/CNN poll showed 59% of respondents believed the prophesies in the Book of Revelations will come true. What couldn’t have been anticipated was the other 41% of Americans rallying around a more secular “Zombie Apocalypse” that can be enjoyed by people of all religions and backgrounds. In anticipation of the swing in public opinion, the Center for Disease Control manipulated the public into buying basic survival materials that would be needed in the case of a natural disaster. Absent among these was a shotgun, baseball bat or a flamethrower, leaving most Americans at-risk to a zombie apocalypse.

The vast majority of people of all faiths were raucous in the call for a cataclysmic event that would end personal and work responsibilities once and for all. Popular reasons for welcoming the apocalypse included credit card bills, girlfriends, the global recession, local traffic conditions and being forced to choose between Romer and Hancock. A large plurality of people are also confirmed to believe that they will somehow be chosen to enter the pearly gates.

Despite widespread agreement that the rapture has in fact not happened, a small but vocal group of critics is arguing that the rapture has come but that no one was deemed worthy of entering the land of milk and honey.

Reports that Denverites might need to build arks to preserve human and animal life seem to have been precipitous. Weatherman Dave Aguilera has stated that weather this post-rapture week will be “mostly sunny…with a chance of isolated thunderstorms”.

11 thoughts on “BREAKING: World Not Actually Ending”

cjgarbo says:

May 22, 2011 at 11:10 am

Duh! Everyone knows the world’s going to end on Winter Solstice in 2012 because the Mayans said so. 😉

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1. Dan Willis says:
  
  May 22, 2011 at 6:36 pm
  
  There will be a very rare alignment of the sun, moon and some other planets that day that will shift the day-to-day gravitational tugs and pulls on the earth from their normal pattern for a few hours.
  
  The worst to be expected would be increased earthquake activity, but probably not of an Armageddon-level nature.
  
  However, there is a bigger reason to be concerned about Apr 13, 2036 when Asteroid Apophis will pass uncomfortably close to the Earth. How close it is going to come will be determined by how much of a gravitational tug the Earth gives it on a 2029 flyby, that is itself rather close (just barely outside the moon’s orbit). Current calculations from astronomers have Apophis missing us in 2036, but asteroid diversion techniques have moved to the top of the R&D schedule just to be safe.
  
  Okay, I’m an astro-geek.
  
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  1. Ralphie says:
    
    May 22, 2011 at 7:38 pm
    
    03:14:07 UTC 2038-01-19, which is the end of Unix time. At least 32-bit Unix time.
    
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  2. raymond1 says:
    
    May 23, 2011 at 10:41 pm
    
    Dan, I love 99.9% of your posts, but the science is clearly contrary to what you’re saying here.
    
    Scientists are trying very very hard to debunk the idea that either “planetary alignment,” or alignment with the center of the galaxy (Sagittarius), has any influence (http://astrobiology.nasa.gov/ask-an-astrobiologist/intro/nibiru-and-doomsday-2012-questions-and-answers):
    
    There is no planet alignment in 2012 or any other time in the next several decades…. [A]lignment of the Earth and Sun with the center of the Milky Way in the constellation of Sagittarius[:] This happens every December, with no bad consequences, and there is no reason to expect 2012 to be different from any other year. … The only important force that acts on the Earth is the gravitation of the Sun and Moon.
    
    The reason nothing other than the Sun and Moon have any meaningful gravitational effects is this: the Moon’s gravitational pull on earth is far stronger, and fluctuates far more, than that of all planets combined (http://www.badastronomy.com/bad/misc/planets.html):
    
    Jupiter … only pulls about 0.01 (= 1%) as hard as the Moon does …. Venus is next, with only 0.6 % of the Moon’s force. After that, the numbers drop a lot. The total pull of all the planets combined is 0.017, not even 2% of the Moon’s pull! … [t]he Moon’s own gravitational effect on the Earth fluctuates by about 25% every orbit!
    
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  3. c rork says:
    
    May 24, 2011 at 1:57 am
    
    that those who know what Unix time is will be the first to experience damnation. 🙂
    
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    1. Ralphie says:
      
      May 24, 2011 at 4:43 am
      
      Oh wait. Then you will be damned yourself…
      
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ProgressiveCowgirl says:

May 22, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Even more alarmingly, my normally sensible trainer didn’t kill me or talk me out of it when I told her.

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1. dukeco1 says:
  
  May 22, 2011 at 8:59 pm
  
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Barron X says:

May 24, 2011 at 3:41 pm

.

Why R U surprised that Harold Camping and his followers were not worthy ?

There were so few holy, righteous people sucked up into Heaven – about 8 worldwide, by my estimate – that nobody really noticed.

I guess the rest of us unworthy, un-righteous sinners are just going to have to stick to Plan A:

be redeemed by the blood of the Paschal Lamb.

.

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1. Diogenesdemar says:
  
  May 25, 2011 at 6:41 am
  
  that would let someone like themself, or worse their neighbors, belong? (with apologies to Groucho.)
  
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2. nancycronk says:
  
  May 25, 2011 at 1:59 pm
  
  About the small number of perfectly righteous people on the planet, I mean.
  
  As for Plan A, mine’s different. “Do what your heart tells you is right, and pay no attention to any of the dogma or b.s.” is my Plan A. Personally, I couldn’t care less what I earn or don’t earn. I’m not in this for brownie points.
  
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