May 22, 2011 05:36 AM UTC

BREAKING: World Not Actually Ending

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• by: c rork

Sources confirmed late Thursday night that the lives of all residents of Earth would not face the judgment and wrath of a presumably bearded, pissed off God. Subsequently, a mix of relief and quiet disappointment swept over the nation.

The claims of senile televangelist Harold Camping, notably that homosexuality was the sole purpose of the Almighty’s furlough to the land of mortals, received mixed reaction and interpretations from the public. Common reasons suggested for being denied a place in paradise included the religious, such as not being a Christian or believing in the existence of God, to the colloquial, like driving 55 in the left lane of I-25 or “being a dick”. While 89 year-old Camping had said that 5:59 ET was the exact time that the rapture would occur, there was wide speculation on Facebook as to whether it might be Mountain Standard for residents of Colorado, or perhaps West Greenland time to allow for the Oklohoma City-Dallas game to finish.

The nation’s morons, such as Robert Fitzpatrick of New York, took most of their time during the past week spending their entire life savings, getting divorced, yelling things downtown and thoroughly agitating family members and friends with chain e-mails.

A Time/CNN poll showed 59% of respondents believed the prophesies in the Book of Revelations will come true. What couldn’t have been anticipated was the other 41% of Americans rallying around a more secular “Zombie Apocalypse” that can be enjoyed by people of all religions and backgrounds. In anticipation of the swing in public opinion, the Center for Disease Control manipulated the public into buying basic survival materials that would be needed in the case of a natural disaster. Absent among these was a shotgun, baseball bat or a flamethrower, leaving most Americans at-risk to a zombie apocalypse.

The vast majority of people of all faiths were raucous in the call for a cataclysmic event that would end personal and work responsibilities once and for all. Popular reasons for welcoming the apocalypse included credit card bills, girlfriends, the global recession, local traffic conditions and being forced to choose between Romer and Hancock. A large plurality of people are also confirmed to believe that they will somehow be chosen to enter the pearly gates.

Despite widespread agreement that the rapture has in fact not happened, a small but vocal group of critics is arguing that the rapture has come but that no one was deemed worthy of entering the land of milk and honey.

Reports that Denverites might need to build arks to preserve human and animal life seem to have been precipitous. Weatherman Dave Aguilera has stated that weather this post-rapture week will be “mostly sunny…with a chance of isolated thunderstorms”.