May 17, 2011 07:42 PM UTC

Breaking 2012 Presidential Election News (Sort Of)

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• by: Go Raiders*

(Longtime Polster has an important announcement, so spit out that gum and listen up! – promoted by Aristotle)

After a long period of soul searching, I, Go Raiders*, have decided today that I need to back away from my intention to seek the presidency in 2012.  This has been a very difficult decision for myself, my family and my team to come to, but it is with the utmost faith in a higher power, and the stupid rules of TV, that I have had to back away from this opportunity.  

Once I became aware of the ramifications of the news that Donald Trump would not be able to continue his role on whatever TV show he is on during a run for the presidency, I was forced to consider that due to my Screen Name, the TV coverage of the Oakland Raiders would be unnecessarily interrupted, thus depriving the fans of the Denver Broncos the opportunity to continue to view their team receive the beatings they so richly deserve.

This really was a decision that I had to arrive to in order to continue my long standing policy of putting the workers first.  I could not jeopardize the opportunity for the team’s owners, coaches, and players to miss out on the income that they receive from the network broadcasters.  Doing so would be uncivilized, and I would lose my status as a “man of the people”.  Additionally, I believe it would have lended credibility to Adrian Peterson’s argument that NFL players today are really modern day slaves, and I just could not live with the fact that I personally may have deprived him from the opportunity of earning ten million dollars this year as a “slave”.

A further review of my polling also contributed in a small way to my ultimate decision:

My national security plan entitled “So, you think you can kick My Ass?” was generally well received in the non-veteran voting population between the ages of 55 and 75.  I have done no additional studies to correlate what that means,  I just enjoyed the fact that it was well received.  The veteran voting population seemed to have some discontent with my plan as they felt it might sound like a challenge to other nations.  I suspect my interview where I had stated, “Tell those Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys to bring it on” may have set back our relations with certain Froggish governments.

Upon further consideration, my economic plan entitled “Fuck You, I got Mine!” didn’t score particularly high with the voting population, and should have been known to be controversial in naming standards.   However, the plan was generally well received by large corporations with low tax liabilities.  For some reason, my plan resonated with them.  Fortunately, as with all things interesting or controversial, the Disney Corporation has given a tender offer to trademark my plan name for their future usage.

My Health Plan, entitled “Let’s Move America” seemed to score particularly high with the physically fit voting population.  Unfortunately, the moving vans and deportation orders for the not so physically fit didn’t score well.  In retrospect, I should have articulated my plan to move the unfit to third world nations as a dietary reduction method a little better.  I am certain if I had not hired Shady Mike’s PR service, we might have done better.  I guess that is the price you pay when selecting the cut-rate PR firm out of the Phone Book.  I am here to tell you, Dex doesn’t know squat.

My government spending plan was well received by members of congress and potential future members of my administration, but did not score well with the US Taxpayer.  I don’t think it is out of bounds for a president to be paid the average pay of the top ten CEO’s of fortune 500 corporations.  The truth be told, if you want to attract top talent, you have to let them be able to make a few bucks.  Members of Congress and the US Senate seemed to enjoy the fact that they would be receiving treasury options, however what they failed to realize is that even though my plan was to pay them a million dollars a year, in options, they would not be able to collect until interest rates exceeded 13%.  

My plan for the national debt, “Fuck China”, seemed to be my strongest polling point with the voting population.  There were not any specifics to this plan that I had come up with so far, though I am certain it would have all worked out and not caused any international tensions.

Finally, as with all campaigns, I still have some outstanding debts that I must repay. (Would you believe what I am supposed to reimburse myself for mileage these days?)   So if you can spare 240,000.00, I would greatly appreciate it.  I put a lot of miles on my Ferrari this past year, and with gas prices these days the expense was astronomical.

Peace,

Raiders

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