Worried About COVID? Become a Trump Gold Card Member!

The fundraising solicitation emails from President Donald Trump’s re-election campaign have been raising eyebrows since well before impeachment escalated them into appeals to total war–but today’s coronavirus-themed missive to the faithful to pony up for victory still managed to leave us with our jaws a bit agape under our homemade face masks:

It’s no secret that our Nation was hit with a huge unforeseen challenge. We are in the midst of an all-out war with a dangerous invisible enemy, and our success will require the full measure of our strength, love, and devotion.

While I’m fighting for the safety of our Nation and its citizens, I need to know that you are fighting for me too. [Pols emphasis] I recently saw the roster of Trump Gold Card Members and noticed that your name was MISSING from the list.

You’ve always been one of my strongest and most loyal supporters, which is why I’m reaching out to give you one LAST CHANCE to activate your membership. When you join, my team will even send you your very own PERSONALIZED Gold Card…

In these trying times, Americans should welcome any advantage they can get! So here’s a poll:

What should you get with a Trump Gold Card?
Your very own COVID-19 test
Ventilators for your state without your Democrat governor having to grovel
Ventilators for your state without FEMA buying them out from under you
At least some Tesla CPAPs
A Costco pack of toilet paper from the Strategic National Stockpile
Taiwan lets you take credit for their global charitable donation
Mike Pence will pray for you
Not sure/other (specify)
View Result

Just in case anyone was wondering, we’re kidding, and we’re pretty sure your “Trump Gold Card” will not give you any kind of preferential status in the COVID-19 pandemic, with the Internal Revenue Service, or access to lifeboats on “unsinkable” ships. It’s a nice gimmick though, and it’s certainly possible a few low-information donors will want one in their pocket just in case. Hopefully they’re not spending their SSI checks.

Safe to say that the donors who have bought in at a sufficient level…don’t need cards.

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6 Community Comments, Facebook Comments

  1. Meiner49erMeiner49er says:

    C'mon! A shit-stain like that deserves a pack of toilet paper to wipe it up!

     

  2. Conserv. Head Banger says:

    I voted for Not Sure/Other (specify): 

    FREE CORONA VIRUS!!!   Available at all offices of the Trump re-election campaign.

  3. Diogenesdemar says:

    What should you get with a Trump Gold Card?

    Fucked.

  4. JohnInDenverJohnInDenver says:

    I voted "other" — it would be useful if there would be several cling-on decals provided, allowing Gold Card members to identify their homes, cars, and vehicles. 

    I'd like to stay away from them .

  5. Genghis says:

    Your very own Donald Trump desktop wallpaper, featuring that .gif of Orange Foolius feeling up Vanky at the 2016 GOP National Convention on a continuous loop?

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