July 24, 2010 03:06 AM UTC

News from All Around

• 2 Comments
• by: JO

I am writing this from There, CO (elev., well, not sure exactly, but we’re pretty high), one of America’s Cities of Most Desirables, right along with Denver Country Club and Cherry Hills, according to Megabuckzine’s latest ratings.

No question, it’s lovely here in There. Everything seems so new, so fresh! Great shopping, although admittedly quite a few empty storefronts selling ordinary stuff; no customers, I guess. And surely no WalMart! Oh yeah, remember: Most stores take Amex Gold Plastic or cash under the counter only.

Main Street has some particularly distinctive Shoppes. Example: Gloves for Colorado, custom made in The District. We came across a big promotion for boxing gloves under the banner  “Fight, fight, fight!” on special: Buy One, Get a PAC contribution from Big Buck, the owner, plus a pass to the Town House Giveaway Night in Georgetown. Truth is, lots of the customers trying on gloves seemed a tad new at the sport, but not to worry. They were rich and knew who not to hit!

Right across the street was Main Street Big Value Store. Best value was Folksy Foster Folks campaign pack: 63 slightly used (but very photogenic!) kids, one from every county in the state, just $63. plus shipping (Greyhound). AND, you can return them via prepaid Next Day delivery after November if you don’t need them anymore. I mean, if that’s isn’t family values, what is?

On down the block….

Corky’s Compass Co. is cool, if you can find it! Behind a slim green door sandwiched between Broad Experiences and Elected House of Memories. Coolest item: Corky’s Westward Ho compass … pointer always points West, with little blinking heart symbols. On the dial it has an animated picture of a covered wagon, circa 1998 or so, with a recording of a dude with a slightly flat Eastern twang singin’, “Westward Ho, Ho, it’s off to dough we go, roll, roll, To make a buck, how? who gives a duck, Let’s go to Co Co Co!” Just $19.99, includes a free pass to Uncle Phil’s Fast Buck Emporium where diluted pensions are the house specialty. Ummmmmm.

One word of warning, though: you can only get to There by appointment. Keeps the riff-raff out, you know. No problem if you or your dad know the right folks, but otherwise, fuggedaboutit.

One other thing: don’t be put off by the error message on Google maps when looking for the place: “There’s no There there.”

Of course there is! Just let your imagination run free.