Cory Gardner is a Ram Handler!!!

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by: Colorado Pols

Our friends at Westword have been on a roll this week with their particular brand of political satire. Alan Prendergast has been gleefully deconstructing the “water writings” of GOP gubernatorial candidate Scott McInnis (a story that has been gaining more traction locally after being first reported for months by writer, journalist and Polster Jason Salzman).

Today, Westword turns its goofy goggles towards Republican Cory Gardner, candidate for congress in CD-4, and asks if Gardner is indeed…a Ram Handler??? We’ll let Westword’s Joel Warner explain:

Republican congressional candidate Cory Gardner may have a very colorful skeleton in his closet: As a student at Colorado State University, it appears he was an official Ram Handler, one of the chosen few in charge of primping and pimping the school’s official mascot, CAM the Ram.

If that’s the case, the big question that remains isn’t why did he do such a thing — but instead, why does he now seem to be hiding it?

I scored the tip a few weeks ago. “Cory Gardner was a ram handler!” whispered an anonymous source, making the words “ram handler” sound as dirty and inappropriate as possible. After I’d recovered from an adolescent fit of giggling, I got down to work with my crack investigative skills — i.e., I Googled it…

…In other words, not only was Cory a Ram Handler — grooming his fluffy coat, trotting him around at football games, feeding him piles of alfalfa — but he also apparently enjoyed it! DUM-DUM-DUM!

This is a great send-up of exposing campaign “scandals,” and here’s the payoff:

I gave this third Gardner campaign worker an ultimatum. Either Gardner called me back within 24 hours or I’d be going public about his apparent shenanigans with a fluffy little friend.

“Sure, whatever” responded the woman. Clearly she, too, wasn’t taking my threat seriously. Although now they’ll all live to regret it, since nothing is going to stop me from shouting my discovery to the world:

Cory Gardner was a ram handler!

Not as if there’s anything wrong with that.

16 thoughts on “Cory Gardner is a Ram Handler!!!”

jaytee says:

June 24, 2010 at 1:36 am

because it gets at the real scandal: Gardner is a public servant who deals with the press by not talking… kind of just like Scott McInnis and Jane Norton. He favors controlled GOP-friendly environments or none at all.

He still hasn’t said boo on the record about the Steve King flap– not even when Boyles called him up mocking him for his spineless silence.

Gardner liked to spend time in college with the fluffy handsome CSU ram because it didn’t ask him any questions.

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1. ThillyWabbit says:
  
  June 24, 2010 at 1:41 am
  
  I’ve never seen Republicans (or anybody) run away from the press like they all have this year. And so far the press has been pretty tolerant of it on the whole. It’s kind of baffling.
  
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  1. jaytee says:
    
    June 24, 2010 at 2:10 am
    
    I guess they got fox news and talk radio and winger bloggers. What do they gain by speaking to journalists?
    
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    1. ThillyWabbit says:
      
      June 24, 2010 at 2:23 am
      
      The wingers’ ratings are not so hot these days. They should probably check into it, because the echo chamber is pretty much empty.
      
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  2. DavidThi808 says:
    
    June 24, 2010 at 4:36 am
    
    Others have been quite willing to talk to anyone – Buck, Maes, Penry (when he was running), Brophy, etc.
    
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Say Hey Kid says:

June 24, 2010 at 1:36 am

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jaytee says:

June 24, 2010 at 1:38 am

Gardner is glad hander who once was a ram handler.

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Earnest says:

June 24, 2010 at 1:45 am

Sounds like an obscene gesture

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1. jaytee says:
  
  June 24, 2010 at 2:07 am
  
  if the ram handing occurs between consenting adults.
  
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  1. Fidel's dirt nap says:
    
    June 24, 2010 at 5:13 am
    
    it takes a special man to handle and rear a ram correctly.
    
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GOPwarrior says:

June 24, 2010 at 3:54 am

I can get hookers in Westword too, right?

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1. Ralphie says:
  
  June 24, 2010 at 4:14 am
  
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  1. GOPwarrior says:
    
    June 24, 2010 at 4:34 am
    
    Pretty girls are conservative
    
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    1. DavidThi808 says:
      
      June 24, 2010 at 4:38 am
      
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dentarthurdent says:

June 24, 2010 at 4:10 pm

I’m glad Mr. Warner cleared up the confusion for me. When I first heard the rumor I though it meant Gardner was taking a page from Scott Brown’s playbook and driving around in a pickup truck.

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ScottP says:

June 25, 2010 at 8:35 am

Instead of some dumbass shooting his gun over the head of a sign stealer, it would’ve been Gardner wrestling a ram or maybe headbutting one to show his “stubborn persistence” or something like that.

I like this better though, it’s funny in a cheeky way and not in a slam-head-against-desk way.

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