May 25, 2010 05:53 PM UTC

BREAKING: Jane Norton to forgo primary, will go straight to the general

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• by: DavidThi808

In a surprise announcement today, Norton spokes-model Josh Penry announced that Jane Norton will skip the primary election in August and instead will go direct to the general election in November. “While Ken Buck is limiting himself to Republicans, Jane views this as a chance to speak to all the people of Colorado (except David Thielen – he’s a dick)” said Mr Penry.

While this is a somewhat unusual approach, because Jane has Charlie “super-dooper lobbyist” Black as her conslierge, it is an available option. The mechanics of it are that the general election ballot will only list Jane Norton. With that change, her campaign team feels confident they can safely break 30%.

We asked Jane Norton for a comment on this story but all she would tell us was “Cinamon, can you answer this.” Cinamon Watson promised to get back to us real soon. Real, real soon – she promised.

Political experts in the state said this could work out very well for Ms. Norton. Instead of telling just small groups of bat-shit crazy right-wingers what they want to hear, she can now also tell small groups of bat-shit crazy left wingers (ie the residents of Boulder) what they want to hear. It’s not often that a candidate can pander to the full cross-section of Colorado voters this early in the campaign.