March 03, 2010 07:05 PM UTC

Mike the Leader Springs Into Action

•  
• by: JO

From the Center of the Universe: The Well of the Senate, Wednesday: Colorado’s dynamic super-leader, Michael Bennet, sprang into action Wednesday. He delivered a speech  the Senate in which he announced that he was introducing a raft of bills to solve the problems facing the United States.

Delivering his stirring remarks with his patented scowl, indicating the seriousness of his intent, he first introduced legislation to modify rules of the Senate so that problem-solving bills could be brought to a vote and adopted. His bills would also require Senators to cough up some of their corporate bucks when they ride on corporate jets, freeze their pay (in line, presumably, with the rest of working America), bar lawmakers from lobbying forever and ever ’til death do them part, and eliminate anonymous holds in darkened movie theatres.

The legislation proposed by the first term, unelected, junior senator, who faces a primary challenge from his own party and is way, way behind virtually any Republican with legal residence in Colorado in most polls, should he make it to the general election, was a shining example of his Daring Leadership, in the view of BennetPols shills.

But your correspondent has learned that Michael isn’t stopping there. No siree. Other examples of leadership soon to follow include:

–Replacing the Star Spangled Banner as the national anthemn (“hostile, aggressive, warlike”) with Itchee Kitchee Whackadoodle, Mike’s favorite song from his days at St. Alban’s.

–A bill that would ban snowfalls of more than 2 inches on any urban area, except for parks with good sliding hills.

–A bill to ban global warming without requiring any action by drivers of Hummers, Ford Excursionss, Dodge Rambos, and other MegaVehicles.

–A bill banning traffic jams on any Interstate, federally designated, or state highway in Colorado.

–A bill reducing the federal deficit to zero without any spending cuts or tax hikes.

–A bill to protect Bill from broken ribs, no matter what.

–A bill to guarantee every family in Colorado an annual income not less than Bennet’s own income from wealth accumulated working for Phil Anshutz.

–A bill causing female hearts and eyelids to flutter in unison at the very mention of Mike the Great Leader’s name.

–A bill to replace the Colorado state motto, which no one knows anyway, with “I Like Mike.”

“This is leadership,” the Appointed One declared to an empty Senate chamber at an hour set aside for aspiring candidates to strut their stuff for the Folks Back Home. “No matter that nothing I propose stands a chance of passing. No matter that this is done to lure the naive and gullible to step forth on blogs to praise my daring, my initiative, my utter independence from those who are feeding my campaign with mega-contributions. My speech, my legislation which I drafted, crafted, and edited on my new netbook right after breakfast this morning, this legislation will Change the World, Solve All Our Problems, and bring forth Hosannas on my behalf.”

Whew! We can rest assurred. Mike is on the scene!