June 24, 2010 01:25 AM UTC

Cory Gardner is a Ram Handler!!!

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• by: Colorado Pols

Our friends at Westword have been on a roll this week with their particular brand of political satire. Alan Prendergast has been gleefully deconstructing the “water writings” of GOP gubernatorial candidate Scott McInnis (a story that has been gaining more traction locally after being first reported for months by writer, journalist and Polster Jason Salzman).

Today, Westword turns its goofy goggles towards Republican Cory Gardner, candidate for congress in CD-4, and asks if Gardner is indeed…a Ram Handler??? We’ll let Westword’s Joel Warner explain:

Republican congressional candidate Cory Gardner may have a very colorful skeleton in his closet: As a student at Colorado State University, it appears he was an official Ram Handler, one of the chosen few in charge of primping and pimping the school’s official mascot, CAM the Ram.

If that’s the case, the big question that remains isn’t why did he do such a thing — but instead, why does he now seem to be hiding it?

I scored the tip a few weeks ago. “Cory Gardner was a ram handler!” whispered an anonymous source, making the words “ram handler” sound as dirty and inappropriate as possible. After I’d recovered from an adolescent fit of giggling, I got down to work with my crack investigative skills — i.e., I Googled it…

…In other words, not only was Cory a Ram Handler — grooming his fluffy coat, trotting him around at football games, feeding him piles of alfalfa — but he also apparently enjoyed it! DUM-DUM-DUM!

This is a great send-up of exposing campaign “scandals,” and here’s the payoff:

I gave this third Gardner campaign worker an ultimatum. Either Gardner called me back within 24 hours or I’d be going public about his apparent shenanigans with a fluffy little friend.

“Sure, whatever” responded the woman. Clearly she, too, wasn’t taking my threat seriously. Although now they’ll all live to regret it, since nothing is going to stop me from shouting my discovery to the world:

Cory Gardner was a ram handler!

Not as if there’s anything wrong with that.