We’ve remarked on many occasions about the ability of Sen. Cory Gardner (R-Yuma) to use a lot of words to say absolutely nothing whatsoever. Gardner’s ability to string together gibberish sentences in response to any serious question is, frankly, quite remarkable.
Gardner is a true pablum professional, and he is really upping his game as he prepares for a daunting re-election campaign in 2020. There is a fantastic example of the Gardner pablum in an interview with 5280 magazine that was recently published online. Rather than just point to his answers directly, we came up with a helpful way to gauge the idiocy of Gardner’s comments. The idea is simple: Would Gardner’s words about the U.S. Senate translate to a student council race with a few minor adjustments?
We thought this was a good idea anyway, but we were admittedly surprised at how well it actually works in practice. You can see our substitutions below in ALL CAPS, followed by a screenshot of Gardner’s actual responses to 5280 magazine.
Give me your 30-second elevator pitch: Why are you RUNNING FOR STUDENT COUNCIL?
I’m fighting for every corner of THIS SCHOOL, whether you’re from Hotchkiss or Holly, or Kersey or Kim. I’m going to fight for every single person in THIS SCHOOL. The EAST WING OF THE SCHOOL and the WEST WING OF THE SCHOOL deserve a voice. WE deserve economic opportunity, WE deserve wage growth, WE deserve affordable housing and I’m fighting every single moment so that everyone in THIS SCHOOL can have the future that THIS SCHOOL deserves. Why? Because I believe in THIS SCHOOL.
What is your top policy priority?
It’s THIS SCHOOL. It always has been and it always will be. I’m focused on energy at THIS SCHOOL, jobs AT THIS SCHOOL, security AT THIS SCHOOL, and opportunity AT THIS SCHOOL. I’m about effective solutions, not just partisan grandstanding.
How do you ensure THIS SCHOOL’S interests are met in THIS SCHOOL DISTRICT?
I think people get frustrated with THIS SCHOOL DISTRICT because it oftentimes feels too remote and too distant. That’s why I’m doing everything I can to put more of THIS SCHOOL in THE SCHOOL DISTRICT and less of THE SCHOOL DISTRICT in THIS SCHOOL….[In July], we announced the Bureau of Land Management [headquarters is] moving to THIS SCHOOL. We will now be able to say that we are the true gateway to public lands, with the largest land management agency in THIS SCHOOL. I think, for THIS TOWN, that means better decision-making for ranchers, environmentalists, and energy advocates. They’re going to have the policy makers in their backyard instead of thousands of miles away.
How do you work with an increasingly divided STUDENT COUNCIL?
I think I practice what I preach. That’s why I’ve been named the fifth most bipartisan member of the STUDENT COUNCIL. I think that’s why the Bipartisan [Policy] Center gave me their Legislative Action Award last SEMESTER. When I look at legislation, I don’t do it with the purpose of being partisan; I do it with an effort to get it signed into law. When you look at the most significant RECESS policy in decades, it was led by myself and Ed Markey—a Democrat from ANOTHER CLASSROOM. I look at bipartisanship as a way to show leadership and that’s why I bring that to the table every time.
Aside from his comments about the BLM, there isn’t much that Gardner says about the U.S. Senate that would be out of place if applied to a contest for student council. If you like your Senator to be a mindless talking point robot who is keen on saying the word “Colorado,” then Cory Gardner is definitely your man in 2020.