CO-04 (Special Election)
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(R) Greg Lopez
(R) Trisha Calvarese
90%
10%
President (To Win Colorado)
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(D) Joe Biden*
(R) Donald Trump
80%
20%↓
CO-01 (Denver)
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(D) Diana DeGette*
90%
CO-02 (Boulder-ish)
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(D) Joe Neguse*
90%
CO-03 (West & Southern CO)
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(D) Adam Frisch
(R) Jeff Hurd
(R) Ron Hanks
40%
30%
20%
CO-04 (Northeast-ish Colorado)
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(R) Lauren Boebert
(R) Deborah Flora
(R) J. Sonnenberg
30%↑
15%↑
10%↓
CO-05 (Colorado Springs)
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(R) Dave Williams
(R) Jeff Crank
50%↓
50%↑
CO-06 (Aurora)
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(D) Jason Crow*
90%
CO-07 (Jefferson County)
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(D) Brittany Pettersen
85%↑
CO-08 (Northern Colo.)
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(D) Yadira Caraveo
(R) Gabe Evans
(R) Janak Joshi
60%↑
35%↓
30%↑
State Senate Majority
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DEMOCRATS
REPUBLICANS
80%
20%
State House Majority
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DEMOCRATS
REPUBLICANS
95%
5%
April 05, 2019 06:29 AM UTC
19 Comments
A new study by the Bowman Institute confirms that hair spray, by trapping and heterodyning the deadly cancer-causing rays from windmills, causes severe dementia in men over 60.
The most obvious sign of such dementia is a severe stink emanating from the victims.
Stay upwind, America. It's more important than ever.
Another obvious sign is the periodic appearance of an iridescent orange color on the faces of those men.
Scientists believe that hairspray traps the deadly windmill rays and causes them to heterodyne (beat against each other.) The process is like tossing a stone into a pond — it will send out a wave. Tossing a second stone creates a second series of waves. The two waves will meet and where they beat together ( "heterodyne" ) will create a third wave that is sort of an average of the first two.
Such heterodyne waves, higher in frequency than the original windmill cancer waves, are trapped by the hairspray and beat ferociously within the skull. Eventually, they destroy the cerebral cortex, releasing an orange pus which often manifests itself by coloring the skin and hair orange. This rotting pus is also the source of the horrific odor known as "Trumpstink."
And, here I thought it was the syphilis that he contracted during his tour (he was a war hero, you know) in Vietnam.
You weren't wrong, Dave, it's just that the process is more complex than once believed.
The Bowman Institute Research shows that syphilis, which Trump contracted in a Saigon brothel during his heroic Vietnam service, caused him to go bald. The baldness, in turn, caused him to overuse hairspray in his imbecilic hair style.
The hairspray then trapped the windmill cancer rays, which are quite harmless in most circumstances.
But while windmill cancer rays at their normal frequency can penetrate hairspray, once they start to heterodyne inside a skull their frequency increases to a level where they bounce off the hairspray. New energy in the form of windmill cancer rays continually enters the victim's skull, where it heterodynes and can only be absorbed by the cerebral cortex, which it eventually destroys, forming the orange pus that causes both orange skin and Trumpstink.
This was an exhaustive study. Would someone nominate me for a Nobel, por favor?!?
Definitely, you're up for the Nobel. So is Notaskinny cook, for her gluten-free brownie recipe that my
wife, who has Celiac, can eat.
That was the first thought through my mind when I heard The Yam's nonsense about windmills.
So this is how we're rolling in farm country these days: the VP shows up for a photo op, he gets 'an earful', the audience genuflects – and life goes on.
Or doesn't.
Exhibit 'B'
Today is obviously a slow news day. Hairspray?? Indeed.
You swallow "windmills cause cancer" and challenge criticism of hairspray? Maybe you're spending too much time above 14,000 feet.
Someone should check in on his hairdresser and his mothers (NSFW).
For which, in 2019 Trumpmerica, I personally am thankfully glad! . . .
(. . . Imagine what a not-slow news day it will be the day when Mangoman can’t find his favorite hairspray and bronzer, and decides to retaliate against Iran, or Mexico, or Puerto Rico, in his fit of pique and toddler rage!!?)
Fifty-one years ago yesterday . . .
Cory Gardner's staff continues to amaze us with their inept proofreading of Gardner's constituent letters. I've bolded the mistakes. In the most recent letter, Gardner writes:
On Bernhardt's nomination:
Cory's plan to sell contraceptives over the counter ( allowing drug companies pharmacies to set their own prices, and preventing most health insurance from covering it):
Again: Let me come talk with you in person, Mr. Gardner, about what you will do about health care- including Trump's plan to have the Supreme Court gut Obamacare. You didn't mention it in your constituent letter, nor did you mention the Mueller report, the Pentagon budget being hijacked to build Trump's vanity wall, or dozens of other issues of concern to your constituents. In exchange for 15 minutes of your time, I'll volunteer to show your staff how to proofread. It isn't really all that difficult.