February 13, 2019 02:29 PM UTC

Why Good Guys Like Me Don't Run For Public Office

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• by: itlduso

Fellow Polsters,

The only news these days seems to be about nonstop political scandals.  I have often been approached by my many supporters to run for public office, being such a good and highly competent guy and all.  (I may have misunderstood them when they say, “Well why don’t you run for office?”  I choose to take that in the positive tone which it was obviously intended.)  Here are my initial replies why I choose not to run:

–I would have to take a significant cut to my salary and prodigious use of vacation time;

–I don’t like meetings.  I don’t even like people that much;

–I have a “prickly” personality that doesn’t much believe in “consensus building”.

None of these reasons have to do with political scandals — I’m getting to that.

Yes, political scandals involving myself would certainly play a role.  For example, Jason Crow ran commercials reciting the Army Ranger pledge never to “embarrass the country” — I can’t make that promise.  John Hickenlooper started a brewpub — I would have “inventory control issues” as the auditors would say.  Daniel Kagan was humiliated for using the Senate women’s bathroom several times — I have been known to eschew bathrooms altogether.  To my credit, I don’t have a rhetorical closet of political skeletons.  To my detriment,  I have a literal warehouse full of skeletons. (I’m paying $399 per month for a warehouse on South Broadway — first month free!)

In fact, opposition researchers (“oppo”) would find it fruitful to research the decades of my life.  But, why go back so far?  Here’s what the “oppo” people would find from just yesterday:

— 10:45 am:  I joined a DPS picket line supporting the teachers.  10:51 am — I was spotted at a Dunkin Donuts.

–1:12 pm — I did “that thing” again.

–3:34 pm — I said “that thing” again.

–6:26 pm — I partook of “items of concern”.

–7:55 pm — I eschewed the bathroom.

–8:15 pm — “Executive Time”  (if you know what I mean).

So, political scandals are keeping a good and talented guy like myself from helping solve our political dilemmas.  But, wait a minute — consider who’s in the White House!  I haven’t done a fraction of the things Trump has done.  In fact, I am aware of only one encounter that I’ve had with a couple of Russians in a hotel a little while ago.

So, to my many supporters I now make this pledge:  If nominated, I will not run.  If elected, what the hell I’ll take the salary.

Sincerely,

“Joe” “Prove it!” (last name redacted)

PS, Preemptive responses to comments I expect to receive:

1) To those who are asking for more details about my qualifications for office — I will not dignify those insulting requests with an answer.

2) To Death pigeon/dust puppy — No, you fuck off!