Why Good Guys Like Me Don’t Run For Public Office

Fellow Polsters,

The only news these days seems to be about nonstop political scandals.  I have often been approached by my many supporters to run for public office, being such a good and highly competent guy and all.  (I may have misunderstood them when they say, “Well why don’t you run for office?”  I choose to take that in the positive tone which it was obviously intended.)  Here are my initial replies why I choose not to run:

–I would have to take a significant cut to my salary and prodigious use of vacation time;

–I don’t like meetings.  I don’t even like people that much;

–I have a “prickly” personality that doesn’t much believe in “consensus building”.

None of these reasons have to do with political scandals — I’m getting to that.

Yes, political scandals involving myself would certainly play a role.  For example, Jason Crow ran commercials reciting the Army Ranger pledge never to “embarrass the country” — I can’t make that promise.  John Hickenlooper started a brewpub — I would have “inventory control issues” as the auditors would say.  Daniel Kagan was humiliated for using the Senate women’s bathroom several times — I have been known to eschew bathrooms altogether.  To my credit, I don’t have a rhetorical closet of political skeletons.  To my detriment,  I have a literal warehouse full of skeletons. (I’m paying $399 per month for a warehouse on South Broadway — first month free!)

In fact, opposition researchers (“oppo”) would find it fruitful to research the decades of my life.  But, why go back so far?  Here’s what the “oppo” people would find from just yesterday:

— 10:45 am:  I joined a DPS picket line supporting the teachers.  10:51 am — I was spotted at a Dunkin Donuts.

–1:12 pm — I did “that thing” again.

–3:34 pm — I said “that thing” again.

–6:26 pm — I partook of “items of concern”.

–7:55 pm — I eschewed the bathroom.

–8:15 pm — “Executive Time”  (if you know what I mean).

So, political scandals are keeping a good and talented guy like myself from helping solve our political dilemmas.  But, wait a minute — consider who’s in the White House!  I haven’t done a fraction of the things Trump has done.  In fact, I am aware of only one encounter that I’ve had with a couple of Russians in a hotel a little while ago.

So, to my many supporters I now make this pledge:  If nominated, I will not run.  If elected, what the hell I’ll take the salary.


“Joe” “Prove it!” (last name redacted)

PS, Preemptive responses to comments I expect to receive:

1) To those who are asking for more details about my qualifications for office — I will not dignify those insulting requests with an answer.

2) To Death pigeon/dust puppy — No, you fuck off!


9 Community Comments, Facebook Comments

  1. JohnInDenverJohnInDenver says:

    I would share many of your list — except I have been unwilling to spend even 6 minutes of my time on a picket line. [I would say I'm pretty sure my level of "liking people" is even below yours.]

    And I'm cheap — unwilling to personally spend (or ask for and get other people's money to spend) sufficient money to win a race.

  2. MADCO says:


    You not going to tell about the goat and the other animal husbandry? your call and I am not judging.

    You are at least as qualified as 4 Colorado reps I can think of.
    Are you in CD1?  If so, you should announce and primary that seat. I'd move there and vote for you.

    CD3, 4, 5   I'll send a check (if you can hold it for a few years, thanks)

    But some hard truth:
    – Consensus building is for the weak. Obviou
    – Have you checked in with Voygr and the other knuckleheads here? you might be too old. 

    I'm curious about the motivation to document this. I get that it could be just a distraction of the thing, but ….  were you thinking anyone wants to vote for you?

    I am not electable by any conventional measure.
    I would need to be one of those lucky, the time is just right kind-a-guys. Like the CD1 rep, for example

    • Diogenesdemar says:

      Hell, I’ll gladly vote for him on the strength of this diary alone, especially those PSs!!! . . . 

      . . . and, anyway, it kinda’ fits with my life’s motto:  Better him than me.

      Plus, he’d be running against Buck in my District, so even if he’s hooked up to life support machines and needs to wear multiple adult diapers, I really just can’t see how it could possibly get any worse?

    • VoyageurVoyageur says:

      Dave barnes is the onewho says anyone old enough to drink legally is too old for public office.  I only say that, for the presidency, we need to add ten years to the age of current candidates to see if they could likely serve two terms.  By thsat  test bernie would leave office at 87 and biden at 86 — which are both absurd.  For other offices, I don't care how old you are.  I do think Madco should be barred from public office because I've read his infallibly inchoate posts.

      • MADCO says:

        HEY!  I'm plenty choate when I choose.

        It's not about age. Or physical fitness.
        FDR was unable to stand or walk. He ended the Great Depression, passed the New Deal, prepared the US to win WWII and picked Truman.

        • VoyageurVoyageur says:

          How did Tippecanoe do?  Or, for that matter, FDR in his fourth term?  I stand by the belief that, in general, death undercuts presidential achievement.

          A dead senator, not so much — you still have 99 of the buggers.  But for the chief executive, I have a distinct preference for living and non-dementia.

  3. notaskinnycooknotaskinnycook says:

    I'd never make it in public office, either. People around here seem to see me as a generally pleasant person, but I don't suffer fools, period. That would not stand me in good stead in any legislative body.

  4. DavieDavie says:

    The Denver Post has an article up on the web showing racist yearbook pictures in local high school and even CU Boulder yearbooks from the '60's and '70's.

    Not a defense, but it does show how prevalent bad judgement can be at that age.  I don't recall anything similar in my high school year book from 1970, but we were already integrated, and had a Greek mythologically-themed mascot. Can’t say that was true for all the high schools in my state

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