November 18, 2013 11:04 AM UTC

Capitol Hill's "Uncle Kracker"

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• by: MichaelBowman

(Promoted by Colorado Pols)

He’s a smooth-talking, fidelity-wrecking-ball:

Promising to swim through your veins like a fish in the sea.

You’ve forgotten how you met him 

And now you don’t know why you can’t say goodbye.

You’re better off if you don’t ask “why?”

He’s not worried ’bout the ring you wear…

‘Cuz as long as no one knows than nobody can care?

But you don’t look ashamed …

and baby, he’s not scared…

This act of mass infidelity with the American public started long ago – “Uncle K” seemed practically harmless then.  He wooed you with his tantalizing scent of rBGH.  He assured you there was no need to second-guess him; he’d done his own research. Baby, stop being scared.  He’s the same guy that showered us in an earlier dalliance with Agent Orange and PCB.  What could possibly go wrong this time?

He’s beyond benevolent as he matures:  according to OpenSecrets, in the first three months of this year, he spent $1.4 million lobbying Washington—and spent about $6.3 million total last year, more than any other agribusiness firm except the tobacco company Altria. (Yeah, those folks – the ones who never lie about their product).

And girls, don’t get the idea he’s a ‘one woman’ kind of guy – you’re really not that special.

Today, the fling that started with the seemingly harmless rBGH has now given Uncle K market dominance in seeds: he essentially owns the market in genetically modified seed traits—a highly lucrative position that has have taken over crops like corn, soy, and cotton. And like any well-run company out to maximize earnings for its shareholders, he invests some of its profit hoard in protecting its market from pesky regulators who might place the public interest over his own . From the Center for Responsive Politics, which tracks money in politics:

Last year’s investment seemed to pay off for the company. Even as Monsanto’s Roundup Ready technology faltered under a blitz of resistant “superweeds,” the USDA unconditionally approved Roundup Ready alfalfa, after hinting strongly it would place limitations on the crop. The USDA also approved Roundup Ready sugar beets, defying a court order that it delay approval pending an environmental review.

Feeling duped, yet? The slippery slope of infidelity: first the scent of rBGH – then glyphosphate.

But we can end this now, right?  Honestly, my spouse is getting suspicious.

Wait…what in the hell are neonicotinoids?

I’m starting to feel trapped.

Many entomologists have said for years there is no pest management justification for using your insecticides on virtually every crop grown in North America. But, according to Entomologist Christian Krupke of Purdue University:

The opposite trend is occurring.

I want to be done with this.

I wish I knew how to quit you.

But you’re back. Again. OK, just one last fling – then it’s time to run.  2014 is just around the corner, you know.

Now you want a foundation?  Well, Congressman Courtney introduced a bill earlier this year to do just that.  Look it up. A great piece of legislation – building upon the successes of other USDA foundations like ATIP and the National Forest Foundation.  It would open up opportunities for the private sector to work with USDA on local and regional food systems and bioenergy technologies.  It would establish a board that will take a systems approach to research – involving NGO’s, scientists, business, environmental advocates and human health professionals.  The congressman is requesting $500,000 to establish the foundation.  This type of structure already  has a proven track record.

You’ll support that, right?

Wait, what?  You convinced leadership in the House, my leadership, to pull the bill and let the Senate take the lead?  What? Now the Senate version is asking for $100 million from the Treasury to fund the foundation – and you are getting the sole discretion to appoint the board?

I’m sorry, I thought you just said “$200 million”.  I must have misunderstood you.

No?

What?!?  You’ve convinced the Senate to take what was a $500,000 request in the FAARM Act, establishing a broad coalition of stakeholders to deal with food and energy issues in a new way – and turn that in to a $200 million transfer from the Treasury – no strings attached – and you effectively control the board – and John Q. Public’s money?

I’d like to leave now.

Just a minute.  Excuse me? You’ve also inserted the word “exclusive“ in the language.  You would be the exclusive foundation of the USDA?  The United States Department of Agriculture?  The department established by President Lincoln – what he called “the people’s department”?

But what about the others?  They know about this, right?

No? Don’t worry?

You promise those contributions are going to flow through my campaign veins like fish in a sea?

I’m better off if I don’t ask, “Why?”

About this ring?

Let’s don’t worry about that right now.

‘cuz as long as no one knows than nobody can care…