April 01, 2011 10:05 PM UTC

Charlie Sheen To Run for President as Republican in 2012

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• by: nancycronk

Entertainer Charlie Sheen announced on Twitter today he would be running for President of the United States in 2012. Sheen made the announcement at his Malibu home, surrounded by his Goddesses. When asked what he would bring to the office, Sheen replied,

I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.

Sheen’s father Martin Sheen who is not a former President but who played one on the television show West Wing, is also a real-life Democratic activist. Martin Sheen did not attend his son’s  media event. Sheen Sr., on location filming a movie about a man whose drug-addicted son embarrasses him on a road trip in California, would not comment.

Sheen’s brother, Emilio Estevez, issued this statement:

I am surprised my brother Charlie Sheen has entered the race for the US Presidency, and I wish he would have told his family about it before the press conference. I do not understand his decision to run as a Republican, but I suspect it has something to do with his belief he has a better chance of ‘Winning!’

Standing behind Sheen were Republicans Chuck Norris, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Comedian Adam Sandler. Together, their IQs equaled that of “Two and a Half men”. Also in attendance were Republicans John McCain and Bill Cosby, both of whom wore sweaters with the imprint “Sheen” embroidered for the occasion.

Sheen was asked by a Washington reporter if he intended to marry one of the Goddesses, in order to make her First Lady, to which he replied,

My other marriages didnt work out so I’m going to marry a tree.

He added that if he did decide at a later date to marry one of his Goddesses, he would propose to her by saying,

If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.

Washington Journal asked Sheen how he intended to lead differently than former Republican Presidents, and current Democratic President Barack Obama. Sheen answered,

Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber.

He continued,

We need to hack up the person responsible for this bad connection. Hack him up into pieces in front of his children. We need to cut off his face and wear it and go on a very tightly budgeted shopping spree in stores that don’t exist yet!

For more information on Sheen’s platform, see http://charlieswinning.com/quo…

Happy April Fools Day, everyone. May G-d have mercy on me for this diary.