November 12, 2006 07:49 AM UTC

Not that you want to read anything else about Haggard, but...

• 4 Comments
• by: Aristotle

The following is by sex columnist and political writer Dan Savage, published today at TheStranger.com/blog.

Warning – he uses four letter words. If that’s too much for your virgin eyes then you better not read it.

It seems that Haggard’s buddies in the evangelical movement knew for years that Haggard was a faggot. What gave Haggard away? Besides his flaming church and his flaming co-pastors and the way Haggard spoke, preached, looked, and wore his Dockers? Take it away Lou Sheldon:

“Sheldon disclosed that he and ‘a lot’ of others knew about Haggard’s homosexuality ‘for awhile but we weren’t sure just how to deal with it.’

“Months before a male prostitute publicly revealed Haggard’s secret relationship with him, and the reverend’s drug use as well, ‘Ted and I had a discussion,’ explained Sheldon, who said Haggard gave him a telltale signal then: ‘He said homosexuality is genetic. I said, no it isn’t. But I just knew he was covering up. They need to say that.’ “

Actually, Lou, we don’t need to say anything. Genetic, a choice – what difference does it make? What difference should it make? Consenting adults can choose to fuck what they like, whether they’re doing it in the thrall of a genetically determined sexual orientation or a cooky, impulsive choice.

It seems a little silly to me to regard sexual orientation as just another consumer choice (Coke or Pepsi? Cock or Pussy?) but that’s what the Sheldons and Dobsons have to say in order to justify their bigotry. It’s what they need to say. So what if all the scientific evidence and the personal experience of all gays and lesbians everywhere – Would any of the gay men being hung in Iran or butchered in Iraq really choose to be gay if they could just as easily choose to be straight? – points at homosexuality being a genetic, inborn characteristic? Remember, we’re dealing here with people who believe the earth is six thousand years old and that Satan hid those dinosaur bones to trick us.

But you know what? If they’re sincere – if this is what the Sheldons and Dobsons and Falwells truly believe – I have wonder about their sexual orientations. I don’t like wondering about their sexual orientations. But I have to wonder about any man who regards homosexuality as a just another choice we humans make. No straight men I know could “choose” to be gay. What Sheldon and Dobson and Falwell all seem to be saying about their heterosexuality is this: They could choose cock over pussy and be gay. They could love men’s junk, men’s backs, men’s pits, men’s muscles, men’s asses – all of it, the whole man thing. But they choose not to. Why? The implication is clear: It’s not because women are irresistible, but because their scary God wants them to fuck women. If God got a bug (a plug?) up his ass one day and ordered them all to go forth and suck cock, they would do it. Because they don’t really have sexual orientations, per se, just divine marching (munching?) orders.

You gotta wonder about “straight” guys who feel that way about women and pussy and tits. It’s just another choice, albeit divinely ordained, but certainly not a passion. They could go for cock just as easily as they go for pussy. But they’re all over pussy because that’s what Jesus wants. Not what they want.

They don’t sound like any straight guys I know.

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