September 08, 2011 06:16 PM UTC

Republican Roundup at the Reagan Corral

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• by: Middle of the Road

( – promoted by Colorado Pols)

So for those of you that chose to do something other than bore yourselves to death last night, indulge me while I summarize Wednesday night’s debate.

Allow me to introduce The Players at the 4th Republican Primary Debate for the 2012 Presidential Election (or more aptly titled, “We Worship and Honor You, Ronald Reagan”).

Herman Cain–founder of bad pizza and the even worse 9-9-9 plan. Whatever the hell that is. Fun guy in a “bring your crazy uncle to Christmas ’cause he’s got no where else to go” sort of way.

Rick Santorum–Who? Odds makers in Vegas right now are ramping up and taking bets on what day he officially drops out of a race no one realizes he’s in.

Jon Huntsman–the sanest man in the room. Publicly reiterated that his Party needs to stop running away from proven science that global warming exists and join the rest of us in the 21st century or the Republican Party will lose Independent voters. Also stated Bachmann’s $2 per gallon gas plan is “unrealistic.”

Both of those statements make it official–I, Middle of the Road, now have a better chance of becoming the next President of the United States than Jon Huntsman.

Ron Paul–a retired physician who I thank my personal Jesus every single day is no longer practicing medicine. Espouses ending everything government related and I do mean everything, including the TSA and Homeland Security. Prides himself on his ballsy, “think outside the box” approach but won’t man up enough to change his party affiliation to what he really is–a Libertarian.

Newt Gingrich–One of the best political strategists living today. Like him or hate him, he knows how to stay on message (“this is about making Obama a one term President”), unlike his unruly brethren. Unfortunately, like Rick Santorum, no one is aware he’s running for office. Throw his name on the odds makers’ board.

Michelle Bachmann–Articulate, good stage presence, promises $2 gallon gas and one free unicorn per family unit if elected, thinks we should never have been involved in the overthrow of Gaddafi (bad, bad idea overthrowing a dictator who tortured people), firm believer that we need to build a fence to keep out brown people–clearly her bold plan for creating jobs.

The steam and momentum of her campaign have been completely derailed by Perry’s entrance into the race. Was asked minimal questions and had about as much stage time as Huntsman and Santorum. Appears the moderators, for a good portion of the debate, forgot she was there, too.

Mitt Romney–defended Social Security-one of the clearest differences he carved out between himself and Rick Perry, defended (badly) his state health care program which our national plan now mirrors. A big fan of fences, took some cheap shots at Perry and his hair looked awesome.

Rick Perry–took shots from just about everybody. And why was that? Because everybody in the room knows he’s the current front runner. Declared himself the human piñata of the debate, which deeply impressed the audience with his vast depth of knowledge of a foreign language word.  

Called Social Security a “Ponzi scheme”, bragged about how awesome Texas education is (the state ranks dead last for those that graduate from high school) and then blamed Mexicans for everything that’s wrong with it, bragged about Texas’s health care system where 25% of the population is uninsured (that’s one out of four for those of you that don’t do percentages), bragged about how many people Texas has offed because capital punishment is awesome. Oh, and he’s a big fan of fences. And his hair looked awesome.

On a plus note, no one seemed to be packing heat so there were no duels, which is somewhat unfortunate since it would have made the debate slightly more interesting. The whole experience was so damned boring, I actually longed for Sarah Palin.  

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