March 29, 2008 03:00 AM UTC

Showing This Weekend: "Wag the Dog 2"

• 3 Comments
• by: JO

Scene: Somewhere in Bosnia

Time: Day One, distant past, but not too distant

Dramatis Persona: HRClinton

Clinton is behind controls of armored C130. Tower advises to scrub landing. Too much artillery fire, snipers everywhere. Clinton, steely, says: “Corkscrew that” and executes wild and crazy landing, thwarting enemies at airport by landing on highway just outside the Tuzla Walmart.

Enemy troops swarm onto parking lot, headed for plane. Clinton grabs AK47s in both hands and starts firing. Super-snipers fall like flies. Blood everywhere. Chelsea peeks out of vest pocket, squeaks, goes back inside to milk, shaken, not stirred.

Little girl in periwinkle dress enters from Stage Right. Recites Night Before Flag Day in Croatian. Clinton replies in perfectly accented Albanian. Translator faints from fear. Seeing this, Clinton translates her own remarks into Serbian, then into Croatian. Takes long swig of something from bottle stored in jacket pocket. Demands to see girl’s health insurance papers. “Your name is Monica? What’s your last name?” Aims AK47 at girl’s quivering head.

Phone rings. “Hello? Do you know what time it is???!!! It’s 3 a.m. for Chrissake! Whaddya want?” [Pause for 3 seconds] “Yeah, go ahead and drop the bomb. Drop all of them! Who’d ya say we’re bombing? Never mind. I’m ready!”

Credits roll: Screenplay: H R Clinton. Director: H R Clinton. Camera: H R Clinton. Key Grip: H R Clinton. Wardrobe: Fluorescent Outfits for the Blind, Inc.

Viewer Warning: The events depicted in this movie are entirely fictitious. They are not meant to resemble any actual events that took place. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. The characters, on the other hand, are mostly real, except when they are made up.

Fade…