April 08, 2016 04:13 PM UTC

Hey, It Could be Worse

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• by: Voyageur

(Promoted by Colorado Pols) 

 — THE BITTER Democratic presidential contest grew even more rancorous Friday as the candidates traded slurs on each other’s spouses.

A superpac backing Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders opened the exchange by tweeting a nude photo of former Sen.  Scott Brown that had been photo-shopped to show Bill Clinton’s head.

“Is this the slut you want to be first spouse?” the Bernfeelerpac asked voters.

Later Friday, Hillary Clinton retaliated by retweeting a photo of Jane Sanders eating a felafel next to a beatifically smiling photo of Bill Clinton scarfing a Big Mac.

“No need to spill the Secret Sauce,” the retweet proclaimed.  “We don’t need a radical vegan in the White House.”

A visibly angry Sanders called a press conference to proclaim “It would be a cold day in Sheol” before he would support Clinton if she does win the Democratic nomination against either Republican Front runner Donald Trump or his politically more moderate rival, Attilla the Cruz.

MSNBC columnist Chris Mathews immediately interrupted Sanders to point out that, “Sheol is a place of stillness and darkness cut off from life and from the Hebrew God. It’s supposed to be cold.”

“Oh, shut up and let the candidate talk, Chris,” commentator Rachel Maddow said. “For once in your life, just shut up!” she added to widespread cheering in the press corps.

Clinton quickly replied she would also refuse to support Sanders.

“I’m not in the habit of supporting candidates who distract my husband while he is eating a Big Mac,” the former Secretary of State said. “Besides, Bernie comes from a small state. What else might be small about him?”

Mathews immediately tried to interrupt Mrs. Clinton but his words were lost when Chelsea Clinton sucker-punched him, which triggered widespread high-fiving in the press corps.

Democrats weren’t the only feuding candidates Friday, however.   The long-decorous Republican contest was rocked when Trump suggested that rival Attilla the Cruz might be unqualified to be president because of their differences on banking legislation.”

“But if Attilla does get the nomination, I’ll support him because he is 100 times better than Clinton or Sanders, ” Trump said.

Cruz fired back in kind, saying he had never suggested Trump was unqualified but believed he had been poorly prepared in an interview where he appeared to mistake the International Monetary Fund for the new quarterback of the NFL champion Denver Broncos.   Trump was widely ridiculed for the blunder because nobody has any idea who the Broncos quarterback is.

“Even so,” Cruz said, “If the unthinkable happens and The Donald is nominated, I will support him because he is 100 times better than either a socialist or, shudder, a woman in the oval office.”

Republican chairman Reince Prius said he was shocked at the bickering in his party.

“Looking at the near total accord on the Democratic side,” I am terrified that this tiny difference on fiscal policy or over the Broncos quarterback, whichever it turns out to be, will cost our party the White House in the fall.’’