March 18, 2010 06:04 PM UTC

Politics of Reelism

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• by: JO

[OK, so commercials aren’t recorded on reels of videotape anymore. Let’s move on to the main point.]

Time to roll out the Big Guns of politics: videorecorders. Four-color mailers didn’t get the job done. Neither did b&w emails. Robocalls? Merde, nobody home. But not to worry, got lotsa cashola and more where that came from, so let’s go to the videotape.

First ad, now running:

[Scowls at camera. Photo of some mountain or other in background.] “Hi. I’m Mike Bennet, and I’m the incumbent running against the incumbents. I’ve been to Washington. And I know what to do to fix this country. So help me Cowboy Bob, I’m goin’ back there and freeze the salaries of your representatives. Make damn sure no one who isn’t independently wealthy is left in either the Senate or House. And cancelling our health insurance! And we’re gonna start shopping at the Salvation Army. Sleeping on the streets. I know what ails this country and how to fix it. Yesiree.” [Music swells in background. Candidate frowns harder.]

Next ad:

[Candidate stands beside tranquilized horse. Sagebrush blows by. Banjo music.] “Me Mike. I promise to do my best to do my duty to Kapital and Country in that order. I’m taking money from the rich to give it to the media moguls. I promise never to smile. I promise to develop a political identity. I promise to stay in office for at least six years, or until a cooler appointment comes along, hopefully the latter. Promise!”

Next ad:

[Candidate emerges from posh townhouse in Georgetown. Chauffeur jumps from car, opens trunk, and starts loading bags of money. Random $100 bills float out onto street.] “Look, rubes. I’m here in DC, where I grew up. I know this town. I know where to buy bags of pot. I like living here. You think I moved to Colorado so I could live there? I made my bucks with Phil and the guys. Now it’s time for me to take my assigned role in life: a member of the Ruling Class. Don’t make me spend any more money on these stupid ads than I have to. My friends are rich, sure, but they’d rather buy a Bugatti than bags of ads, Get it? I already told you we have more money than that stupid little Andy Whathisname. End of story.” [Scowls harder. Chauffeur opens back door. Candidate gets in. Car roars off.]

Last ad:

[Silence. B&W pic of Harry Truman holding up Chicago Tribune circa 1948. Pic bleeds into one of Michael Bennet holding up Durango Herald with headline: “Bennet Beats Democrat.” Candidate lets go of paper with right hand and flips finger toward camera. Fade.]`